Iudices Fabulae
by OverlyNegativePotato
Summary: This is a meta-fiction web novel about fan-fiction tropes. The first arc is set in the Harry Potter universe but later the series would follow the adventures of a ragtag bunch of original characters jumping from setting to setting in search of a villain, with affectionate parodies, tributes, copious amounts of lampshade hanging and lots of meta-comedy abound.
1. Chapter 1

_AN: This is the first chapter of my weekly adventure/comedy web novel I just started publishing on my blog. It is actually more along the lines of meta-fiction, however it focuses on fan-fiction tropes and the first arc itself actually takes place inside the Harry Potter universe, meaning it technically __**is**__ fan-fiction after all. As such I decided to post it here as well, just to get a bit more exposure. Depending on the reaction I might post the rest of the chapters of the first arc on this site as well, though I ultimately want to turn this into a long-running series with my blog as its primary medium. That said, please read it and have fun._

* * *

It was a surprisingly warm autumn day. One would expect it would be a bit more remarkable on a plot-significant day like this, but the weather apparently either didn't care or didn't notice. Or maybe it was saving up its strength for some sudden confrontation that required a dramatic lightning bolt. Or a storm.

Such things are always in demand. I mean, just think about how silly it would look if the armies of some evil overlord would rush the walls of an elaborate medieval castle during a pleasant spring day. Or during a light summer shower with a rainbow and everything! The mood dissonance would literally tear the scene apart and wipe its-

…

"… Wait a moment…"

I was thrown out from my previous train of thought by the rather unpleasant realization that I was narrating. It was quite embarrassing, really. I mean, it took me two whole paragraphs to notice it. I just really hope I wasn't doing it aloud. That would be just way too awkward.

I hastily looked around only to come upon a number of new exciting and somewhat troubling realizations. First of all, I was on a train. A train I didn't remember boarding. That was only mildly weird. But then there were the kids in robes sitting in the same cabin as me. Isn't that a bit outdated fashion-wise? Maybe it wasn't. After all, I didn't even know where I was.

Wait, was that a steam whistle? Am I on a steam engine? That also seemed weirdly anachronistic for some reason, but I just couldn't put my finger on why. Maybe I should ask around or something? I turned to the girl on my left, a short gal with a bushy hairdo wearing an open black robe with a pleated skirt, a white shirt, striped tie and knit jumper. I supposed it was some kind of uniform.

"Um… Hello?" I said with what I considered to be an awkward smile. She glanced up from her book and looked at me with these big, round doe eyes. She didn't speak though. Just stared. It was a little creepy, to be honest.

Then after about ten seconds of tinfoil-chewing silence she just said, "Wow, you are hot!"

"Errr… Pardon?" I replied after about two seconds of flabbergasted gawping.

"Wow, is that French? That is, like, super-hot!" She added as she put down her book and began staring at my face with a dreamy expression.

"It's no big deal," Said the ginger kid with the bowl-cut sitting by the window.

"Shut up Ron." Answered the girl while not even taking her eyes off me. I was getting patently weirded out there.

"Yeah, shut up Ron! We hate you!" Added the kid sitting in front of me, a scrawny fellow with a pair of darkish round glasses and some weird birthmark or scar or something on his forehead.

"But why?! I didn't do anything!" Barked back the kid by the window with a scowl.

"We just hate you, okay?! What's so hard to understand about that?" Said the girl while rolling her eyes. "As for you, do you want to make out?" She added while staring into my eyes.

"Pardon?" I said again while my brain was desperately trying to come up with another, less creepy way to interpret her words.

"Ohhh, using the French again, you Casanova!" She purred.

"Seriously, what's going on here?" I protested while trying to keep her at arm's reach.

"Let's just do it! You wouldn't believe what I can do with my tongue!"

"Too much information!" I shouted as I pushed her away. "Would someone give me a hand?" I said as my eyes accidentally met with the bespectacled boy in front of me. He gave me a creepy smile in response and began taking off his robes. His outfit underneath was like as if an entire tween clothes shop exploded and landed on him, except messier.

"Sure, I would love to, but only if you let me check out your magic wand afterwards!" He said while giving me a wink. I groaned.

"That's not helping! In fact that's the exact opposite of helping!"

"Ah, you boys only care about your wands! Here, let me show you where the real magic is!" Chirped the girl as she stuck out her tongue and pounced at me. I grabbed her robes and kept her as far away from me as I physically could, but sadly I only had two hands so I couldn't do anything about the boy with the glasses. I took a deep breath. One thing at a time, one thing at a time…

"You guys are gross!" Grunted the boy they called Ron.

"Shut up Ron! You are just jealous because you are impotent!" Growled the girl struggling in my hands. "I see. You like playing hard to get, eh? That's hot too!" She whispered in a voice only I could hear.

"Yeah, I bet you are a death-eater too!" Said the other boy while applying generous amounts of black lipstick on himself for reasons I didn't even want to fathom. "You must be working for whatshisname too!"

"You-Know-Who." I sad by reflex, though for some reason I had no idea why or what that meant.

I also had a distinct feeling that there was sort of a huge logical jump in what he just said, but I was quite frankly a bit too preoccupied with trying to stop a pre-pubescent girl from frenching me to care. Speaking of which, I grabbed her by the shoulders and made her sit up properly. I might have put a bit too much force into my grasp as I could see tears welling up in her eyes.

"You don't like me?" She asked in a deceptively innocent voice. "It's the hair, right? That's why you don't want to make out with me."

"No! It's because you are about twelve!"

"Well, so are you," Said the boy in front of me while unpacking some kind of wooden wand. Was I? I quickly glanced at myself and nodded in apprehension. Yeah, it seems so.

"My point still stands!" I said and gave the boy a frown, "And you! Don't put that wand into your mouth! It's disturbing!"

"Who's disturbing?!"

The voice came from the outside of the cabin. The door suddenly opened wide and a weird, white-blonde boy of our age popped into the room. He wasn't wearing robes like the others but instead he had some sort of weird, psychedelic punk rocker attire with leather pants.

"Hello Potter!" He bellowed with an uncharacteristically deep voice. Then he looked over to me and whistled. "Hello there hot stuff!"

"Pardon?" I muttered by reflex.

"Oh, are you French! I love it!" He continued to bellow with what I think was supposed to be a seductive smile. Then the world unexpectedly went black as my head was suddenly buried in the girl's nonexistent chest. I apparently was so shocked by this boy's appearance that I laxed my grip on her just enough for her to glomp me.

"Go away Draco! He is not interested in the kinds of you!"

"Who gave you the right to talk for other people, Granger?"

"This is stupid." Groaned the boy in the corner while dissecting a chocolate frog. Or at least he was dissecting a living chocolate frog before I got glomped and… wait, chocolate frog? I mean, does that sound weird to anyone else other than me?

"Shut up Weasley!" Bellowed the white haired boy, also cutting my train of through short.

"Yeah, shut up!" Added the boy with the scar. "You are totally going to Slytherin because you are such a death-eater mud-blood!" That sounded weirdly wrong too, but I couldn't react to it since on one hand I had no idea what "death-eater", "Slytherin" or "mud-blood" meant, and on the other hand I was too busy being suffocated. Ugh…

"Hey Draco! Do you want to compare our magic wands?" Said the bespectacled boy with a coy voice.

"Hell yeah!" Answered the whatshisname… it was Draco, right? "Let's go over to my cabin! We should also invite a few other guys if we are at it! Wanna come along?" That last question was apparently aimed at me, but it took me a few seconds to answer. Damn girls going through puberty faster than boys and their higher testosterone levels! I could barely peel myself out of the her embrace!

"Haa... Haa…" I was breathing heavily from the effort when I looked over to the white-haired boy who was in the middle of fondling the other boy's… what was his name again? Something to do with clay… Ah yes, Potter. So, again, he was in the middle of fondling the boy's magic wand, which was only an innuendo but still way too creepy. I mean, they are twelve! What the hell!?

"Oh, are you getting excited?" Said Potter noticing my heaving.

"No! I was almost suffocated here!"

"Awww! You don't have to be shy!" Said Draco. I let out a groan in response.

"Just what the hell are you even doing!?" I asked with another groan.

"Foreplay!" The two said in unison!

"… Pardon?" I would have worried about this word becoming a habit if I wasn't too busy trying to keep myself from facepalming, as I needed both hands to keep the girl… her name was Granger, right? Is that even a first name or a surname? Whatever, I still needed both my hands to keep her from pouncing on me again. "Just what kind of concept do you have about sexuali… ty…" I stopped and groaned again. "Yeah, twelve. Sorry for asking."

"Oooooh! Who's that smarmy French guy?" Came a new voice from the cabin entrance belonging to a blonde girl with a decidedly dotty aura and a lopsided smile on her face. "Wow! He is dreamy!"

By this point I barely had enough mental acuity to just blink in utter confusion.

"Get lost Luna! He's mine!" Said Granger, apparently completely obvious to my efforts to keep her as far from me as possible.

"You are not even supposed to enroll here until next year…" Whispered the redhead guy in the corner.

"Shut up Ron, you death-eater scumbag!" Yelled the new girl. "You are just jealous because you are missing your sister!"

"Yeah. You are totally imbred!" Chimed in the boy with the glasses.

"I heard he is so imbred he used a time-turner to go back in time and became his own father!" Added Draco.

"That's just gross!" Said the new girl while clawing towards me.

I would have butted in to help out the poor ostracized guy, but I simply didn't have the time, as by this time I had to multitask between keeping Granger away with my hands, keeping new girl at bay with my legs and also trying to not focus on the two preteen boys suggestively feeling up each other's wands next to me. Seriously, just what kind of messed up place is this?!

Then, just as I was about to lose my temper someone new appeared in the cabin. For a second I dreaded the reveal of just what kind of new crazy person would intrude into the already crowded cabin, but I was grabbed by the leg instead.

"No! Come back!" Yelled Granger as I was dragged out of the place, but about a second later she was already pouncing onto the blonde girl like as if I was never there. In the meantime I was roughly pulled into the corridor of the train car by a surprisingly small hand. It took me a few seconds to get onto my feet while the owner of said hand angrily slammed the door of the cabin shut and glared at me with eyes that could boil an egg in about ten seconds.

She was petite, though still a bit taller than the other girls and about the same age as everyone else. She was still half a head shorter than me, so I suppose I must have been pretty tall. Her black hair was in a tidy ponytail held together by a small red ribbon and she was still glaring at me with a pair of emerald green eyes embedded in a face that would launch about, say, thirty four ships. Plus minus five, depending on the lighting.

"Errr…?" I began to speak, but then her arm suddenly whipped out and she jabbed my chest with her index finger.

"Who the hell do you think you are!?" She yelled at me with a scowl that deducted about three of that ship count.

"Who…?" I began to speak again, but she cut me short by poking me in the chest again.

"You are completely messing up my story! How dare you just barge in here and act like you own the narrative! You are a sham! Poser! Spotlight-stealer!"

I blinked at her with what I think was a really unflattering expression and let out a sight accompanied with the word that seemed to dominate my vocabulary as of late, already dreading the answer…

"P-Pardon…?"

That was how my life as a fanfic character began, and let's just say that I hardly even saw even the tip of the iceberg that awaited me in the not-so-distant future thanks to the girl in front of me. But that is for another time, I suppose…


	2. Chapter 2

"Is that Hogwarts?" I asked while leaning against the window, my eyes glued to the castle at the horizon.

"Yeah! Biggest wizarding school in all of Nevada!" Said my companion while procuring some sort of canned beverage from her bag.

"That seems wrong somehow," I said as I looked over to her.

"Oh shut up," She grunted as she offered one of the cans. "It's my story and I say that it's in Nevada. End of discussion."

"Thanks," I accepted the drink. "But I still think it's nonsense. There are no medieval castles in Nevada."

"Of course there are! They are just hidden by magic! Duh!" She said as she opened her can and began drinking. It was one of those weirdly unidentifiable sodas that everyone was familiar with but no-one could talk about because of copyright reasons. I took a gulp as well and glanced back to the distant structure slowly growing larger as the train approached to the station.

"Actually, that is not even a medieval castle," I said between two sips. "It's more like one of those fairytale castles. It's like a half-assed hodgepodge of architectural styles from completely different periods."

"Who cares as long as it looks cool? What are you, an architect?"

"I might be…" I answered with a bit more gloom than intended.

"Ouch. Sorry, I guess it's too soon."

"Kind of," I nodded.

For a bit of context, here's the abridged version of what happened since we first met: she accused me of stealing her spotlight, we recognized I have amnesia and then we retreated to a different, less noisy train car to discuss things. It was kind of silly in retrospect. The amnesia thing, I mean. It's like arriving to a party only to suddenly realize that you are wearing mismatched socks. You don't even notice it until it's pointed out, but then you can't stop thinking about it and, worst of all, you cannot do anything about it either. It's just annoying.

On the other hand the experience was surprisingly less nettlesome than expected. I mean, I couldn't do anything about it, so as much as it irked me I had no reason to fret over it. I thought there would be a bit more angst involved. Weird.

"So, did you remember your name yet?" The girl on my side asked with a smile that was about ten percent reassuring and ninety percent mischievous.

"You are apparently not very familiar with how amnesia works, are you?" I asked before taking another sip from the can. It was a bit too warm but I wasn't going to complain about a gift.

"Oh, oh! Then can I name you?" She looked at me with sparkling eyes. I rolled mine.

"What am I, a stray dog?"

"Hey, you are the one intruding on my turf! It's the least that you let me name you!"

"I would rather not."

"Oh come on!" She stomped. "I have so many great ideas! You will totally love them!"

I sighed and hung my head. "All right, I hear you."

"Yay! Okay, so how does Quattro Hematoma sound to you?"

"… Like some sort of infectious disease?"

"Now that you mention it, it kinda does… Okay, then how about Dixie Normous?"

"That is even worse."

"Louis Dikskin?"

"… Can't you at least try to come up with something that is not a thinly veiled dick joke?"

"Then how abouuuuut…" She cocked her head to the side in one of those exaggerated 'I'm thinking hard' poses you often see in cartoons and said, "Ah, I got it! From now on you are Hyman Fuks! Nice to meet you!"

"…" I sent her a sharp glance for about three seconds, giving her ample time to change her mind, then I whacked her over the head with my fist.

"Auauauauuuuu!" Her high-pitched cry in response was weirdly cutesy. Also annoying. **Mostly** annoying. "What do you think you are doing you idiot! Brute! Thug!" She was yelling at me through a curtain of tears, and I would honestly say her tantrum would have been kind of cute if she wasn't such a brat. "Owww… You are horrible! How can you hit a fragile girl like that!?"

"You reap what you sow," I said while downing the last mouthful of soda from the can in my hand. "Also, I didn't even hit you that hard. My knuckle barely touched your head."

"It's the emotional trauma that hurts! You have scarred my young maiden heart for life!"

"Yeah, sure." I fell silent after a small sigh and began thinking. Sure, the names she was coming up were silly, but she had a point. I need a name, even if just a temporary one. "How about John Doe?" I blurted out absentmindedly.

"Wut?" Uh… As much as she loves to emphasize how she is a lady she sure as hell doesn't act like one…

"John Doe. It's a placeholder the police uses to call unidentified people."

"Laaaaaame!"

I raised my hand and which she immediately cradled her head in her arms and hastily added, "Just kidding, just kidding!"

"Sheesh…" I shook my head let my hand down. "It should do until I remember my real name."

"But it's so boring!" The girl added while still guarding the top of her head. "My names were a million times better!"

I rolled my eyes and shook my head again. "Are you kidding me? Who in their right mind would give someone a name like that?"

"E-Excuse me?" Our conversation was interrupted by the pattering of feet as a short, slightly plump boy entered the car with a nervous expression. "Hi, I'm N-Neville. Neville Longbottom. I-I have lost my pet toad. H-Have you seen him?"

I could feel it. I didn't even need to look, but I had to. As such I turned around and met the shit-eating grin of the girl at my side. "One data point is just anecdote, not evidence." I told her coldly, not that it stopped her from giggling.

"Hehehe. That's what you get for taunting the narrative."

"Whatever." I couldn't really hide my frustration so I just tried to move on with the conversation. "But speaking of names, you never introduced yourself, have you?"

The grin slowly withered from the girl's face as she touched her lips with a thoughtful expression. "Now that you mention it, I really didn't."

"Um… You see, m-my toad is called Trevor and he is about this big…"

"So, what's your name?"

She turned to me with another grin and offered her hand. "Mary Celeste Sakura Thunderbird Freya Sue Smith, at your service." I stared at her hand and I could practically feel my brows slowly knitting together against my will. It was a curious sensation. "Hah! Did you just realize how boring your name is?"

"… No? I am just wondering how you could say that in one breath."

"Practice."

"I figured."

"Um… Trevor is brownish green… or greenish brown? I…"

"Anyways," I said once I got my thoughts in order again. "Which parts of that should I use?"

"Which part of what?"

"Your name, idiot."

"Hey! Don't call me an idiot you idiot!"

I groaned with a little more pronunciation than usual and raised my hand. She immediately went silent and began guarding her head. Okay, I suppose I found her off switch, at least for the time being. God bless Pavlov. I let my arm back down and she peeked out from between her forearms.

"Let's start this from the beginning, okay?" I sad that while offering a hand. "Call me John."

She peaked at me for a few more second, then said, "Your name is still boring."

"…"

Thus I smacked her over the head for real this time.

"Ow-ow-ow! Hey!" She protested, but I grabbed her hand and shook it. She seemed displeased but after a few seconds she sighed and returned the shake with a grumpy look. "Call me Mary." I sighed. That took way more effort than necessary, but at least we were finally on the same page. I let go of her hand, which she reluctantly pulled back while pawing the top of her head. "That hurt! You are horrible!"

"If you say so." I shrugged my shoulders and began thinking about the next issue of importance, namely the kid nervously fidgeting by our side. "Can we help?"

He looked at me with eyes usually associated with antlered ungulates wandering on highways as he opened his trembling lips. "T-Trevor."

"Wait!" Mary suddenly butted in with her index finger on her lips. "My impeccable memory tells me that your name was definitely not Trevor but somethingsomething Longass!"

I looked at her with as much thinly veiled annoyance as I could muster. "Trevor is a toad," I said.

"A-ha!" Mary declared with a defiant smile that was altogether a wee bit too happy a reaction for a correction. "But he is obviously not a frog! Therefore he cannot be Trevor! What can you say to that, huh?!"

I found this to be a perfect opportunity to engage in a practice best described as tactical facepalming. After I was done with that I grabbed Mary by the back of her collar and pulled her away from confused boy. "Hey, what are you doing!? I was about to catch this lying whatshisname Distantbuttocks in the act!" She protested with hands swinging.

"First off, it is Neville Longbottom, thought I have a feeling you are doing it on purpose. Secondly, Trevor is his frog. Finally, you are incredibly annoying so I would like to ask you to stay put, shut up and let me handle this."

"Hey! Who put you in charge! I am the protagonist of this story! How dare you…" It was around this time that I found an empty cabin, so I gently tossed her inside and locked the door from the outside.

"That was mean," Said Neville after I returned to him. I shrugged my shoulder.

"Maybe, but I better start teaching her not to derail conversations with completely pointless and annoying gags now before it becomes a habit. She will thank me later."

"I-If you say so…"

"You monster! Fiend! Spotlight-stealing cat-burglar! Onion-peeler!"

I glanced back at the locked cabin door and counted to three. One… Two… Three… And… All distractions shut out. I breathed out and turned to the boy with a small smile.

"So, you said you needed help, right?"

The boys face immediately perked up the moment I offered assistance. I had to admit he had a bit of a flaky quality to his features but he also seemed to be an honest kid wearing his heart on his sleeve. "You see, my frog…" He began talking but I stopped him.

"I got that part. Where did you last see him?"

"I… In my cabin, I think."

"Then we better start the search there, don't we? Lead the way."

Neville hastily turned around but stopped after only a few steps. "Um… What about your friend?" He asked in a sheepish voice. It actually took me a good second or two to recognize that he was most likely talking about Mary.

"Oh, she will be fine. Don't worry about her."

Neville seemed unconvinced but then he gave a small nod and we started moving down the corridor. Neville's cabin was a few cars down the engine's direction, only a single car away from where I woke up. I quickly repressed the confusing and annoying memories of that particular chain of encounters and followed him into the compartment in question.

"So this is where you last saw him?" I asked as I glanced around. It seems like all the cabins had the same layout with the two couches, the small table by the window and the storage-compartments overhead.

"Yes," Neville said nervously and added, "Do you have a spell that can help finding him?"

Now that was something that made me raise a brow. "Spell, you say?" I asked while checking under the seats.

"Y-Yes." He nodded insecurely. "I thought you might have one."

"Not really," I said while checking for gaps on the floor level. "I think good old fashioned legworks should get the job done just as well." I finally found an opening about the size of my fist. An air hole by the looks of it. "Say, Neville?" I spoke while rising to my feet.

"Y-Yes?"

"How big is this toad of yours again?" For a moment he seemed surprised but then the kid quickly made a few gestures with his hand. "I see," I said with a small smile and gently pushed him out of the cabin's entrance.

"Where are you going?"

"Just over here." I said while knocking on the blinded door of the neighboring cabin. After a second or two the door slowly opened, revealing a lanky man with oily black hair, sunken eyes and draped in black and dark green from head to toe. He looked over me and the shaking Neville at my side and gave us a disapproving glare.

"What is it that you desire, you ridiculous dimwits?" Said the man with a voice that somehow managed to ooze snobbish conceit, cold disapproval and, for some mysterious reason, the color feldgrau at the same time.

"Now there! That wasn't very nice, I must say!" I said returning the courtesy with a mixture of righteous indignation, aloof disdain and just a hint of aquamarine. For a few moments the man seemed to be sizing me up from head to toe and then he slowly relaxed his shoulders.

"Do you know who I am?" He asked with a voice much less challenging but just as oily.

"No sir, I can't say I do." I answered with similarly reduced hostility.

"I am Professor Severus Snape."

"Nice name. Allow me to ask for acknowledgement of my approval of its alliterative appeal."

For a moment the man's face went lax, but then it just as quickly turned stern again as he raised a brow and pointed at me. "Your name?"

"John Doe, sir."

"I see," He blinked very, very slowly, as if to punctuate his thoughts before speaking again. "Mister Doe, could you tell me what gave you the genius idea to disturb my sleep?"

"My apologies sir, but is there by perchance a toad in your cabin?" I asked with a smile that was just fake enough to make sure he would notice. Ah, he did. His left eye actually twitched a little. This was actually a little fun.

"I'm afraid not." He said curtly while sending a glare at me.

"Are you sure, sir? It is a relatively small toad, greenish-brown…"

"Brownish-green…" Chimed in Neville with a voice that was on the verge of crying. I nodded.

"As he says, sir. Quite hard to miss."

Professor Severus Snape glared at me again and slightly raised his nose to emulate looking down at me. I'm not going to lie; it was a little adorable how hard he was trying.

"I don't know what kind of prank you are playing mister Doe, but I can assure you that I would be aware of any and all toads in my cabin, be they greenish-brown or brownish-green. Now, if you have nothing else to say I advise you to disappear from my sight and to pray to the high heavens that you will not be sorted to Slytherin, or I swear…!"

Just then, as per the unwritten laws of comedic timing, there was a surprisingly loud ribbit resounding in the car accompanied by a large frog slowly making its way out of the cabin between the good professor's legs.

"Oh my!" I gasped theatrically while Neville happily scooped the rascal into his hands. In the meantime Snape's face slowly twisted and then just as slowly returned to its previous stoic glory. For a few seconds neither of us said anything.

"That is a very sneaky frog." Said professor Snape, a line made all the funnier by the twitching eye and the forced nonchalance.

"He is sir. He is." I nodded wisely. "Now if you excuse us, we better leave now. Sorry for disturbing your power nap."

"…" The man didn't say a word, just silently glared at us as we left right until the moment we entered Neville's cabin. I sat down and let out a deep sigh. In the meantime Neville finally got over the shock and was happily petting Trevor, who in turn appeared to be enduring it with stoic melancholy.

"Say, Neville?"

The boy glanced up at me in surprise as if he just realized I was still around. "Y-Yes?" He answered meekly.

"Could I ask you a favor?"

"Yes! Anything!" Neville answered with an enthusiasm that I have never seen from him before. Though to be fair I only knew him for a few minutes, so that wasn't all that surprising.

"Could you tell me all you know about Hogwarts and magic?"

He seemed a bit baffled by my question but nodded immediately, "Yes. Everything I know. Roger!"

I couldn't help but smile at his enthusiasm. It appears I successfully managed to make my first friend. Also my first enemy. Oh, and there was my first annoying acquaintance as well locked away. I should make a note to make sure I won't forget about her… later.

All things considered I was pretty well off, especially considering the circumstances. I wonder what comes next…?


	3. Chapter 3

_AN: So... This chapter might raise a few eyebrows, so let me make a few things clear in advance: No, this is not a crossover. Not yet, not in this first arc at least. After the first arc it the story __**will**__ turn into a massive crossover fiction, but this one chapter is only a small sidetrack that was necessary to introduce and establish one of the major players of the plot. After this we will return to our regularly scheduled Harry Potter themed chapters. _

_So yeah, now it's time for something completely different..._

* * *

It was four thirty-six, in-universe time, world DNT000989. Tokyo. The Yagami household seemed deceptively peaceful at first glance, but I knew better. There was a class seven UMS lurking inside. A hijacker.

The Canon Enforcement Bureau detected him quite early, and while he appears to be relatively harmless for the time being, it's best to nip him in the bud before he becomes a headache in the future. I have seen class sevens get drunk on their power and climb up to class four in record time. It wasn't pretty. I had to spend an eternity on Namek in world DBZ003978 to clean up that mess.

I glanced over the house one more time and checked my equipment.

Canon enforcement tools? Check.

Subduing equipment? Check.

Protective duster? Check.

Sweet hat? Check.

It appeared that I had everything in working order. I ran thought a few possible applicable strategic approaches in my head and decided on a direct method. As such I walked up to the door and rung the doorbell. Sometimes the simplest plans are the best.

It only took a few seconds for the door to open, revealing a young, brown haired girl. She was short and about high-school age.

"Hello." I said with a neutral smile. She looked me in the eye, which meant she had to strain her neck quite a bit. I was about three heads taller than her.

"Um… Can I help you?" She answered with an unsure expression.

"Is your big brother in?" I asked with a roughly 35% warmer smile. You have to be precise about these things. She blinked a few times while thinking and slowly shook her head.

"N-No… Are you a friend of his?"

"Something like that," I said after quietly clicking my tongue. "Do you know when he would be back?"

"He went to the grocery store, so he should be back soon."

"Great," I heaved in relief. I might not have managed to corner him just yet, but this way I should at least have some time to scout out the area of engagement. "Could I come in?"

The girl seemed to be in a conundrum. "Um… I am not supposed to let strangers in…"

"Tch," I clicked my tongue again. In retrospect that much was obvious. She **was** a teenage girl after all. I considered my options and decided to alter things a little. It's one of the perks that come with the job. I closed my eyes and ran through the necessary details. By the time I opened them, the girl in front of me was already blushing.

"W-Well… You can come in if you want… I mean, you look good…" She suddenly covered her mouth and added, "I mean, you don't look bad! A bad person, I mean! Come on in."

She gestured for me to enter. I felt a little dirty for doing something like this but it was for the greater good. Not to mention this alteration will be erased along with all the others once I'm done here, so it's not like it really mattered. After calming my guilty conscience like that I entered the building.

"I'm Sayu. Sayu Yagami. Nice to meet you," She said while still blushing.

"I know, your brother told me about you." That was a lie, of course. I actually read her name in the case report. "I'm Wilfred Troy, nice to meet you."

"Wow! Your name is pretty cool!"

"Thanks."

"I like your hat too…"

"So do I," I answered again, this time with a bit more enthusiasm. "Now then, could I ask you a few questions about your brother?" I asked while Sayu directed me to the living room.

"Why? Didn't you say you were friends?"

"Yes, but I am curious how you see him. It would make me really happy if you gave me your opinion."

I could practically see her eyes sparkle as she sat down as well and began talking. "My big brother is awesome! He is a top student at his university, he is athletic and he wants to become a great detective like dad!"

This far the description matched that of the original Yagami Light. According to the record he was already on the level of a class ten CMS even in the original canon. Not that it mattered to me. Such things are outside my jurisdiction.

"… and he speaks fourteen languages and he knows kung fu and he is dating L who is actually a girl and…"

Ah, now we are talking. These details are most certainly not canon. It appears that the UMS in question only focuses on tweaking the original character and his immediate acquaintances. I had to make sure though. "Sayu?"

"Yes?" Chirped the girl with a smile.

"Have you heard anything about something called a Death Note?"

Sayu immediately shook her head. "No. What is that?"

"Nothing important. Just checking," I told her after exhaling in relief. It seems like she doesn't know. That means the UMS didn't break that part of the canon. I was actually getting a little disappointed. Was this really a class seven? As far as I could tell he barely sounded more than a class nine…

Just then I noticed the distinct sound of the front door opening, accompanied by lithe steps. I glanced back and my eyes met with those of a young man holding a grocery bag. He was pale like the moonlight, though I presumed it had more to do with my appearance than his natural complexion. I stood up and gave him a nod.

"RyukFrvr98, I presume? Pleased to meet you." I said as I slowly tugged on my gloves.

"who th hell r u!?" He exclaimed while the grocery bag fell from his hand. Ugh, he was one of the illiterate types. Marvelous.

"Wait, didn't you say you two were friends?" The girl was understandably confused at my side. "And who is that Ryuk whatever you are talking about?"

I sighed and lightly tapped her on the forehead, "Please take a nap now." Just like that she collapsed onto the sofa in a light sleep. It was another minor alteration, and a mostly unnecessary one at that. Still, this was the least I could do for her. When she wakes up her world will be back to how it was supposed to be and she won't even remember a thing. I turned back to the young man still frozen by shock and introduced myself. "I'm Colonel Troy, Canon Enforcement Bureau, Special Enforcement Division. We need to talk."

At first he just kept staring at me, but then he suddenly threw me a typical slasher-smile and began laughing. "hahahaha1!1 I haave no idae what u r taking abuto, but I have to tank u 4 placing my sister to slep! Now I heva no reasone to hold bak!" He raised his hand and pointed at me with a triumphant face. "King of shinigamys, RyukOmega! kil him!"

Following his words the ambient light of the room suddenly took a nosedive as a grotesque monster materialized itself out of thin air right in front of me, ready pounce. It was a vaguely humanoid creature except with elongated limbs, black wings and a bunch of completely pointless spikes. He also seemed to be on fire, which was a little baffling in retrospect.

"Amateur…" I sighed as I pointed at the creature. "Objection!" I yelled and in the very same moment color escaped from the world and the fake shinigami froze mid-flight in the air.

"what?"

"Tch. Seriously? You know nothing about how the Canon Enforcement Bureau operates, do you?" The man didn't open his mouth, but that lack of words was answer enough. It was time for a demonstration. I could feel my canon enforcement tools brim with charge as I exclaimed, "There exists no such character in this world!"

There was a high-pitched whistling sound as a single, shimmering crack of blue appeared on the fake death god suspended in mid-air.

"what r u talkling a boot!? he is right fronts of u!" Shouted the man in confusion as he was trying to comprehend what was happening.

"Yes, and he shouldn't be." There was another small crack. "Also, you cannot command him like that; he wouldn't obey you directly; he is supposed to be invisible and intangible, so I shouldn't even be able to see him; he should not be able to touch me, let alone kill me, without willing it on purpose, which would mean he would be immediately punished by death by shinigami law and being on flame like that is just stupid."

The number of cracks practically exploded on the death god with a sickening noise reminiscent of an entire truck's worth of plate glass falling off a cliff and it crumbled into dust.

"riuk!" The man shouted only for a new creature, similar to the previous one show up. He still looked grotesque but he was much less over the top.

"What is it?" He said with an oily voice. I sighed and pointed at him again.

"As I said, I am not supposed to be able to see you."

"Oopsy," He answered and then promptly disappeared from my point of view. The UMS on the other hand seemed to be able to still perceive him and he was completely shocked.

"how?" He was gasping for air as his eyes kept jumping back and forth between the now invisible real shinigami and the steadily disintegrating remains of 'RyukOmega'.

"Now then," I said while theatrically dusting my sleeves. "As I said, we need to talk."

For a second he seemed to be entertaining the thought of ceasing hostilities but a moment later he suddenly dashed up the stairs. I hung my head a sighed. "Of course you would resist. Why do you guys always resist…?" I mumbled while following after him. By the time I reached the first floor he just slammed a door behind him. Probably his room, I figured.

I went up there and knocked. "Listen, this leads nowhere. Just come with me quietly and-" I got this far when I suddenly noticed a small metallic sound and dived to the left. A second later there was a loud bang followed by an equally loud impact coming from the door. The bastard had a gun. I sighed, stood up and dusted my sleeves again. I faced the door once more and kicked it right off its hinges while shouting "Objection!"

The world once again froze into monochrome as I stepped through the now open doorway and thundered at the man, "Yagami Light would never use a gun like that! It leaves too much evidence! He wouldn't even have a gun in his room! It's way too conspicuous!" Following my words the gun cracked in half and disintegrated into grey dust. On the floor. For a moment I was genuinely surprised, wondering why he would throw his weapon away like that, but then I remembered what this word was about and focused my attention to the desk by the wall.

The UMS was there as expected, right in the middle of scribbling into a thin black notebook. He drew the last line and looked at me with glittering madness in his eyes. "i gut u a-hole! U r dead!"

I squinted. This is going to be tricky. "Conceptual Recognition Overlay." I gave the order. A moment later the entire previously monochrome world got tinted neon green. Ugh. I can't believe the R&D guys still couldn't get rid of the effect. Anyways, I focused on the notebook on the writing desk beside the grinning man. Right there was a whirling mass of red lines with barbed ends made visible by the overlay, slowly advancing towards me like a swarm of angry wasps.

I pointed at it and once again declared, "Objection!" The red swarm stopped on its tracks. "You do not know my full name; therefore you should not be able to use the Death Note." The lines immediately withered like wilting wines on fast forward.

"No!" The UMS exclaimed with a triumphant smile. "ths is the Deth note of th shynigamy King! it can kil u wihtout ur nam!11!"

In response to his rebuttal the swarm of red started advancing towards me again. I clicked my tongue in frustration. Now that I cornered him he seemed to finally put up a resistance. Not that it will do him any good.

"Nonsense! Ryuk is not the Shinigami King, therefore you have no access to such a thing! And even if you did, no such ability is established in this world!" My changed angle seemed to work pretty well, as a number of cracks appeared on the notebook itself as well as the swarm of death closing in on me.

"who cars aboot what is esatbilishd!? This the death Noote the king & ur gong to dye!"

"Oh boy…" I exhaled. The logical resistance only lasted this long, huh? Not that I was complaining. It spared my time, as at this point I only needed a single stroke to end this. "Are you saying this is your own continuity?" I asked with a small smile as I made sure the glove on my right hand was properly secured.

"yess! thats xactly wht i mean!" His words were like and explosion blowing away all my previous objections. The world suddenly regained its color, though from my point of view it was still tinted neon green. The previously invisible death god at his side also immediately popped out of existence and got replaced with RyukOmega in all his stupid spiky, flaming glory. I couldn't help but smile as I pulled back my right hand crackling with a bright azure light.

I drew in a deep breath and calmly said, "By the authority of the Canon Enforcement Bureau, I deny your reality." Before he could say a word more my fist already lashed out. It passed right through the mass of red lines about to reach me and instead embedded itself into the very concept of this permutation of this word. It was incredibly fragile, so much so that my single punch was enough to conceptually deny its entire existence.

In the blink of an eye the entire world got covered in thin cracks, then bigger cracks, and in less than a second everything exploded around us at the speed of light. When I opened my eyes again everything was back to normal.

The world was in its original color. Yagami Light was sitting at his desk and eating chips while writing his notes. Ryuk was also in the room but he went invisible to me the moment I switched off my CRO, just as he was supposed to. Finally there was a monochrome man sitting under the window with utter shock on his face.

"what hapened? WHAT HAVE u DOOOOOOONE!?1?!" He yelled at me while staring at Light. He naturally didn't take note of him, or me if we are at that. After all, _we did not exist in this world_…

I walked up to him and cuffed him while he was still in shock. "You are under arrest for one count of illegal canon invasion, one count of resisting arrest and about a million counts of horrible grammar. Do you have anything to say in your defense?"

"Fuk u!1"

I sighed. "Go figure," I said while retrieving the gag from my belt and placing it into his mouth. It was a small device designed to for class 3 UMSs and up, since they are generally dangerous enough that just letting them speak could allow them to force new continuities into existence, but it worked quite well for just keeping guy like him silent as well. I grabbed him by the collar and tapped on the communicator in my ear. "Ready for extraction."

"Roger," Came the voice from the other end of the channel. I only had to wait for a few seconds for the shimmering portal to form on the very tapestry of this reality and for my assistant, Lieutenant June McNamara to enter into the world. She was lean woman with a bubble cut and thin glasses. She had a sort of klutzy, girlish charm to her that even her neatly ironed uniform couldn't hide. In fact she could easily pass for a high school girl even though…

"Sir!" She interrupted with a scowl. "Please don't narrate about me! It's embarrassing!"

I let out a small chuckle. "Sorry, force of habit." I said as I removed my narrative override device from behind my other ear and turned it off.

"No it's not! You are always teasing me like that!"

"It's every man's privilege to tease girls."

"And that! Why do you always have to be so unrepentant about it!?"

"Hehe. Sorry, sorry."

"We really don't have time for this! There is a situation brewing in HRP007806."

"HRP007806? Wasn't that an approved continuity?"

"It was, but now we need to move in there."

"What? I literally just finished this job and they need us again? What happened?"

"We had a serious spike a few hours ago and since then we are detecting three canon intrusions of unknown level."

"Wait, did you say three? And how big of a spike are we talking about?"

"At least level 3, but then he disappeared from the radar."

"Tch… Let's get moving then. I have a feeling this is going to be a pain…"


	4. Chapter 4

"Wingardi-what?"

"Wingardium leviosa," Repeated Neville after glancing back to his textbook to double-check.

"That just sounds silly," I said with a small frown. "I mean, come on. Pig Latin? Really?"

"Wouldn't that be ingway evitatelay?" Said Ron absentmindedly between two snacks.

"Yeah, you are right. What do you call this then?" I posited and Ron answered again with a bored expression.

"Verbal derivatives designed to sound cool?"

"Let's go with that," I said and wrote it down into the notebook Neville lent me. We have been doing this for a while now, with Neville giving me all sorts of details and tidbits he could remember and me making notes of it. He wasn't exactly the smartest guy on the planet but he was nice, eager and he actually gave me a lot of good clues.

Then Ron Weasley came along a short time afterwards asking if he could move over here because the other cabin was getting a bit rowdy. When I asked him about the state of the place when he left he said they were mostly just groping each other and mashing their butts together, among other things. His description sounded weirdly nauseating so I cut him off at that point before he could get to the more elaborate acts, though I had to admit I was at least a little curious about the one involving a duck made of macaroni and mayonnaise and two chocolate frogs. Not curious enough to risk my sanity though.

I leaned back and stretched out a little while collecting my thoughts. My amnesia proved to be surprisingly spotty, as I quickly discovered that I remembered quite a number of important things as well as a bunch of useless trivia. For example, I knew that the headmaster of Hogwarts is a man named Albus Bumbledore, the greatest wizard of this generation and the he owner of one awesome wizard beard, or that there were four houses students got assigned to upon entry. There was also something about a Dark Lord and such, though that one was a bit foggier. Oh well, I might as well ask my newfound companions about it.

"Hey guys, what can you tell me about Voldemort?"

The two boys' reactions were practically polar opposites. Neville went pale and hid himself behind his trembling book while Ron just raised an eyebrow and put his snacks down.

"You know, most people don't really call him by his name." He said while leaning closer. "It's a bit of a bad omen."

"Oh come on! I get it that you are wizards, but isn't that all the more reason to be less superstitious about things like this? I mean, it's not like one of those urban legends where a person appears when you call his name in the mirror." I glanced a Neville, still hiding behind his book and added, "Right?"

Ron chuckled at my side and leaned back. "You can never know. He was the Dark Lord after all."

"Thanks for reminding me, that's another thing I wanted to ask. Just who the hell calls himself 'the Dark Lord'? Isn't that like advertising that you are up to no good?"

"W-Well, he really was up to no good." Said Neville timidly.

"My point still stands." I said as I crossed my arms. "And speaking of which, he apparently disappeared and that Harry kid from the other cabin gets all the applause for it. He was just a baby when it happened! If anyone should be considered a hero, it should be his parents! They were the ones who killed your scary Dark Lord, weren't they?"

"He is your scary Dark Lord too, you know…" Said Neville.

"You know what I meant. I also don't like how he just 'disappeared'. That is practically the recipe for a sudden reveal about him still being around and hiding."

"Don't say things like that!" Protested Neville from behind his book.

"Well, " Ron smiled mischievously, "Maybe he is actually hiding nearby. On this very train even!"

Suddenly the cabin door opened with a creak, prompting Neville to jump off the couch and try to hide under it. Ugh… Maybe we teased the poor kid a bit too much. In addition, I suppose I should really add 'comedic convenience' to my notes under the other laws of the universe… Eh, maybe later.

That said I focused my attention to the man poking his head into the cabin. He was a twitchy looking fellow with a pale complexion and a weird, purple turban on his head. He looked over the three of us and settled on me, as I was the closest to the door.

"Good evening young men. Could you tell me where I can find Professor Snape?"

"Most certainly," I told him and pointed at the wall behind me with my thumb. "Right over there. Though I would advise against bothering him. He is apparently having a beauty nap."

He stared at me blankly for a moment, probably wondering if I was serious or not, then his lips slowly widened into a thin, nervous smile. "Thank you," He said and closed the door behind him.

"I wonder who that was," I said absentmindedly as I tapped Neville on the shoulder. "You can get up now, it wasn't Voldemort."

"Or was he?" Added Ron ominously.

"No, he wasn't. At least he sure as hell didn't look like a Dark Lord to me. I mean, where are the black clothes and the spikes?"

The redhead boy seemed to be thinking for a moment, then smiled, "Maybe he was hiding under his turban?"

"Don't be ridiculous," I groaned as I helped Neville up from the ground. "Who heard of a Dark Lord small enough to fit under a turban!"

"Thanks. That really startled me." Said Neville in a mousy voice as I helped him dust off the back of his robes.

"You are welcome," I said while taking seat again. "But seriously, was that a teacher?"

"Probably the annual Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher," Came the answer from Ron who was in the middle of unpacking another load of sweets.

"Just how many of those do you have?" I asked while pointing at the box of Bertie Bott's Every Flavour Beans. Damn, that name is a mouthful… Anyways, he looked over at the box in his hand and shrugged his shoulders.

"What? I like them. There are even pancake flavored ones."

I sighed. "Never mind… By the way, what did you mean by 'annual'?"

"You mean the teacher? There is a rumor that the position is cursed and that the seat of the teacher in charge of Defense Against the Dark Arts can only be held for one year by anyone."

"Is it something like an urban legend?"

"I don't really know, but my brothers said that there was a new DADA teacher every year for at least a decade. That sounds pretty real to me."

"Do they all fall ill or something?"

"That's the kicker! They all left for different reasons. It's pretty spooky," He said as he popped a brownish bean into his mouth. A moment later his eyes went wide open and he immediately spit it out. "Blergh! Maple syrup! I hate maple syrup!" He groaned as he was clawing at his tongue.

"… Oooookay, that was weird," I said while inching away from the saliva-drenched bean on the cabin floor. "But on the previous topic, isn't that pretty bad? I mean really, really bad?"

"What do you mean?" Asked Neville in place of Ron who was in the middle of rinsing his mouth. Some people have the weirdest peeves… Anyways, I turned towards him to explain my point.

"You see, saying that there is a 'curse' is all fine and dandy, but have you thought of the implications of what that means? It would require the curse to manipulate the entire world. Hell, the entire universe! It would have to change probabilities and pull the strings of everything and everyone in that school! Free will and causality both go right out the window! Who would do something like that?"

"A wizard?" Said Ron after regaining his composure. I stared at him for a moment and just dropped my head.

"Sure," I said as I grabbed hold of my notebook and added 'A wizard did it!' under the Laws of the Universe section. Oh, I should also add the one about comedic convenience if I am here. It might have sounded silly but it was still better to learn about these things early rather than to get bogged down by some seemingly illogical mess later down the line. I nodded to myself as I closed the notebook and glanced at the window. "We are almost there, aren't we?"

"Yes, we should arrive to Hogwarts shortly." said Neville with wistful eyes as he stared at the lights of the castle in the evening twilight.

"I should go and get my bags," said Ron while rising to his feet. "I left them in the other cabin."

"That reminds me…" I stood up as well and let out a sigh the size of Jupiter. "I should see if I have any luggage as well."

"If?" Neville tilted his head curiously.

"It's complicated," I sad as I reached for the handle on the door. "We better get going. See you in school, Neville."

"Yeah. Good luck with the sorting hat," quipped Ron accompanied by a pat on the back.

"O-Okay. See you later!" Chirped the boy as we left. We quickly made our way down the train car, making extra sure that we walked very quietly in front of Professor Snape's cabin.

Once we were in the clear I turned around and whispered to Ron "Sorting hat? Really?"

He chuckled and gave me a pat on the back as well, "You'll see."

With that we returned to our original cabin, only to meet with the most surprising and off the wall scene I could have ever imagined. Harry Potter and Hermione Granger were… quietly chatting with all their clothes still on them… I mean, wow. I was expecting practically anything but that.

We opened the door and the two of them seemed quite surprised to see us.

"Finally! Where did you disappear like that!?" Asked Hermione in a bossy tone. "We are almost at Hogwarts and you just up and vanish like that! Very inconsiderate!"

"Welcome back," Said Harry, who seemed to be more relieved in contrast. "We were just about to go looking for you two."

"Um… where is Draco and Luna?" I asked in confusion.

The two looked at each other and gave me a baffled "Who?" in unison.

Ron and I glanced at each other but we appeared to be equally matched in out level of bewilderment. I grabbed him by the shoulder flashed a wooden smile to two inside the cabin. "Just a moment, I think we forgot something," I said as I dragged Ron aside and slammed the door behind us.

"Hey! Where are you going?!" Hermione protested, but by then I pulled Ron over.

"Didn't you say they were engaging in some sort of weird non-penetrative roleplay when you left?" I whispered him.

"Don't look at me! I have no idea either!"

"Well they are obviously not exchanging any bodily fluids as far as I can see."

"I said don't look at me! You saw how they were before you left too!"

"What are you two whispering about?" The question came from Hermione who followed after us with a terrifying but also oddly adorable scowl that only prepubescent girls can muster.

"Errr… Nothing in particular," I said but then a sudden idea reared its head in my, well, head. "Say, Hermione?"

"Yes?" She seemed to be put off-balance by the sudden change in my tone.

"What comes to mind when I say the word 'pardon' to you?"

For a second she seemed perplexed and then she just said, "You speak French?"

I shook my head in response. "No. At least I don't think so."

"Too bad," She replied with a bit of vitriol. "For a moment I almost had a better opinion of you."

"Ouch," Came the word from the mouth of Ron alongside with a small elbow jab to my side. Just then the train began slowing down, prompting Hermione to fall forward from the unexpected jolt. As it would happen, I was just in the way where she was falling, and as such I quickly reached out and grabbed her before she fell over.

"Hey there," I told her with a smile while I helped her regain her footing. "Careful."

"T-Thanks," She replied as I let her go. For a moment she seemed to fidget as she was looking at me then she suddenly gasped and returned to the cabin without a word.

"That was a confusing reaction," I whispered to Ron at my side.

"Girls are weird," he shrugged his shoulders and followed after her. Well, at least they were no longer acting like horny idiots. That's a step up, I suppose. I shook of some of my weariness and followed after them.

Inside the cabin Hermione and Harry were already in the middle of packing their things. I checked under the couch where I used to sit, and lo and behold, I actually had a bag. Or rather a chest. A big one. How was I supposed to move this again?

"Is there a problem?" The question came from Harry who came up to my side and was looking at the chest as well.

"I was just wondering what I was supposed to do with this," I said in exasperation.

"You don't know?" Chimed in Hermione who was in the middle of wrapping herself into a scarf. She glanced at me but she was conspicuously avoiding eye-contact. Weird.

"No, I have no idea," I said.

"Maybe it's enchanted?" Said Ron. "Try calling it?"

"…" I stared at the large wooden chest for a few second. It couldn't be… But then again, it could… "Nah, there is no way it would be that blatant!" I whispered under my breath, but then I remembered the rules of the universe I learned about and let out a small groan. Of course it would…

"Luggage?" I exhaled, and just as expected the chest suddenly sprouted a throng of tiny legs and quietly crawled out of under the couch. I followed it with my eyes and groaned again. "Let me guess, you also press my clothes and make them smell like lavender, right?"

The luggage froze, but then its lid sprung open revealing a heap of neatly folded and ironed underwear within. "Great," I sighed. "Because THAT is original." I closed its lid and shooed it out of the cabin. "Go find yourself another wizard to bother! Or even better, find yourself a tourist first and then a wizard."

"What are you talking about?" Harry and company seemed to be utterly confused about my behavior.

"It's complicated." I said and turned back to the luggage still looking at me from outside the cabin while also blocking the way of the other student trying to get off the train. Well, at least I presumed it was watching me, though it didn't appear to have any eyes. Maybe through the keyhole?

I glared at it and stomped my feet. "Go away already, you do not belong here!" I told it, and after what appeared to be a moment of contemplation it stuck out its large mahogany tongue at me. In the very next moment it popped out of existence in a puff of logic.

For a few second we all just stood there in silence, staring at the space that was until a moment ago accompanied by a very big and very heavy chest and which now wasn't. Apparently that was weird even by magical world standards.

"Wow… Did you just make it disappear without a wand?" Asked Hermione with sparkling eyes.

"Um… No. It disappeared by itself. I think," I answered, though even I wasn't completely sure about that.

"Guys, we can discuss this later! We should get off the train before we are left behind!" Said Ron while grabbing his bags.

"Right," Nodded Harry, "Let's go!"

Personally I thought the disappearing luggage warranted a little more discussions, but I also had to admit that they were right. I put on my coat and made my way off the train alongside the others. Though, for some mysterious reason I had a weird feeling that I was forgetting something…

Nah, it couldn't be that important if I forgot it on the first place…


	5. Chapter 5

_AN: It turns out that this chapter for some reason didn't have line-breaks once I posted it and I only realized it two weeks later... Sorry about that, I didn1t mean to melt your eyeballs. I have no idea what caused the problem (my five cents are on copy-pasting from a different word document than usual). It should be fixed now (hopefully)._

* * *

"Wait, let me see if I got this… You say Hogwarts, the mystical and whimsical magical school of Nevada," For a moment I had to stop and roll my eyes, "…has an entire house dedicated to nurture the worst sociopaths in the wizarding world into future dark lords and death-eaters, and everyone is okay with that?"

"Pretty much, yes," Nodded Ron as our small group caught up with the rest of the first year students en route to the castle.

"Isn't that really, really dangerous? And stupid?"

He shrugged his shoulders in response and just said, "Tradition."

"It still doesn't seem right… I mean…" I stopped on my track and glanced back. "Did you hear that?"

"What?" Asked Harry incredulously. "The scream?

"Of course I mean the scream!" I said as I tried to catch a gap between the horde of students marching around us. "I think it's getting closer. Let me check."

"Hey! Don't get out of the line, you will get lost again!" Protested Hermione. She was still following after me though.

I squeezed my way through the torrent of robed kids and teenagers and finally managed to get to the side of the road. By then the scream sounded like it came from right next to me…

"Uwooooooooooooo!"

As I stopped and thought about it for a second, I had to conclude that it actually sounded more like a battle cry than anything. "I wonder what's going on…" I mused as I raised my head in the direction of the sound and my eyes immediately met with… the sole of a shoe…

…

That didn't seem right. I looked a bit closer, and by that I mean a bit farther and behind the shoe, and I found a leg, followed by a strategically placed skirt-flap in the perfect position to blot out the possible panty-shot. My eyes moved further up and thus I finally met with the beet-red face of a ponytailed girl. She seemed familiar…

"… Ah, I remember now!" I said as I took a step to the left, allowing the flying kick to safely sail past me.

"Wha…?" That was all she managed to say before she planted herself face-first into the grass by the roadside. A few of the students walking by seemed to be curious about the spectacle but they moved on nevertheless. Ah, collective responsibility syndrome in action. As peculiar as depressing…

"Ptooo-ptooo!" The girl spit out the grass blades trapped between her lips and jumped to her feet with a face still red as a lobster. "You monster! Why did you dodge that?! I could have broken my neck!"

"Says the girl whose idea of greeting is a flying dragon kick. How could you even do that in a robe?"

She straightened herself with arms akimbo and grinned at me. "Practice," She said with childish glee.

I gave her a sagely nod. "I see. Very impressive."

"I know! It's actually a lot harder than the movies would make you believe, but as long as you…" She suddenly stopped and the childish grin on her face quickly gave way to her previous scowl. "Don't try to change the subject you bastard! You completely forgot about me!"

"Really?" I stopped for a moment and carefully scratched my chin. "… Now that I think about it, I might have."

"Not 'might have'! You totally have! You locked me up and forgot about me! Monster! Demon! Fiend!"

It was around this point when the rest of the gang managed to make their way through the stream of students and arrived at the scene as well. Ron was still eating some beans, though I would have sworn he already threw away at least two empty boxes. Hermione seemed to be flustered as usual while Harry looked more awkward than anything,

"A friend of yours?" He asked somewhat meekly.

"No," I answered immediately. It surprised even me how quick it was. Aaah, it's good to know my better judgment is still running perfectly fine even after the amnesia.

"What? How can you say that with a straight face?!" Protested Mary with a face like an abandoned kitten. Wait, are kittens made of pure annoying? No? Sorry then, wrong analogy.

"Why, are we?" I asked with a stoic visage.

She fell silent for a moment than mumbled, "No, but it still hurts if you deny it like that… Jerk…" She appeared gloomy but a moment later she perked up again like nothing happened. She gave a cutesy wave to the group and said, "Hello, I am Mary Celeste Sakura Thunderbird Freya Sue Smith! Nice to meet you!"

Harry and Ron exchanged a few incongruous glances while Hermione just said, "Well, that's most certainly…" She paused for a moment, "…a name."

"Also a mouthful." Added Ron, snickering. Mary didn't seem to mind; instead she focused her attention on me again. I had a bad feeling about it, so I cleared my throat and gave the group a cheerful smile.

"Well then, now that you have met her we should move on, shouldn't we? Let's go!"

I couldn't even take the first step before I was stopped on my track by a needlessly high-pitched voice. "Oh no you don't! I haven't finished with you, JD!"

That last bit caught me off-guard. I slowly tilted my head to the side and repeated the word, "JD?"

"Yes!" Chirped Mary, still uselessly hyper and for some reason apparently very proud of herself.

"Who is that?"

"You, of course!" I proceeded to slowly tilt my head the other way but it still made no sense. Mary stomped her feet and pointed at me in response. "John Doe sounds lame and boring, so I am going to call you JD from now on! It's much better!"

"No it's not."

"Yes it is!"

"… Okay," I crossed my arms, "Then from now on I will call you MCSTFFS."

"… That sounds stupid." Said MCSTFFS with a sour expression.

"That just means it fits well."

"Agh! I try to make your stupid name sound better and that's how you thank me! Idiot! Oaf! Dunderhead"

"Is this what a lovers' quarrel looks like?" Asked Hermione under her breath, but it was obvious she made it just loud enough for us to hear.

"No," I replied hastily. "Also, you are like twelve. You shouldn't even know what that means."

"…" She shook her head in exhaustion and turned heel. "We should get going or we'll be left behind."

I was not going to argue with that. I followed after her… or at least I would have, if my robes weren't yanked back as I took the first step.

"Ouch! Hey, what are you doing!?" I looked back and, surprise-surprise, Mary was pulling me towards the train station.

"You are not going anywhere until you help me with my luggage!"

"… Wait, what? Am I the only one who can't follow this?"

"My luggage!" She repeated angrily as she was still pulling on my robes. Actually she looked kind of adorable while tugging on me like that, like a dumb puppy pulling on its leash and thinking that it's the reason why its owner is moving forward. Except she wasn't really. Adorable, I mean. The dumb puppy part was more or less accurate though.

"Wait, let me get this straight. You rushed after me only to get me to carry your luggage?"

"Yup!" She nodded enthusiastically.

"Why?"

"Because you owe me one?"

"For what?"

"For locking me up in that cabin and forgetting me?"

"Actually, how did you get out?" I asked in an attempt to change the topic, but her response actually piqued my interest. She suddenly went pale and shuddered.

"I was shouting for help for a while, and then this really dark guy opened the door…"

"Dark guy?"

"REALLY dark guy! Like, villain-dark! With black robes and sunken eyes and everything!"

"… You mean Professor Snape?"

She glared at me like I just said something really weird. "Ha-ha. Very funny."

"What? He fits the description."

"No he doesn't! Snape is totally handsome and a lot younger, and he is just a tortured soul waiting for that special girl to-"

"Nope," I interrupted, "I am pretty sure we are not talking about the same man."

"Damn straight we aren't! My Snape wouldn't scare me like that!"

"… You **were** scared of Snape!"

"No I wasn't!" She protested. "I was scared of that weird dark guy!"

"And now you want me to go back there to get your luggage because you are afraid of him."

"**Yes**. I mean, **NO**! … I mean… maybe a little."

I let out a big sigh and glanced back at the others. "Sorry guys, it seems like I…"

…

Correction: I glanced back at the empty space where the others used to be about two minutes ago. "What the hell guys?! What the actual hell!?" I dropped my shoulders in exasperation and turned back to Mary with a groan. "All right, I help you get your luggage miss MCSTFFS."

"… Are you seriously going to call me th-?" It is exactly this far she got in her sentence before we were both startled by a new voice.

"Stop right there!"

It was a deep baritone marred by exhaustion and came from the lofty man rushing at us from the side. I was honestly too baffled to react to this development but Mary apparently had no problem with defending herself, at least as far as getting behind me and using me as a shield could be considered 'self defense'. Reeeeeeally classy.

Well, at least now she wasn't in my way so I could take a good look at the man running towards us. He was tall, as I already mentioned, but not too heavily built. At first glance I thought he was wearing a robe but once he got closer I realized that he was actually dressed in a heavy trench coat with some sort of uniform underneath it. He also wore a wide-brimmed hat that cast a shadow over his face, so all I could make out in the evening light was a stubbed chin.

By the time he reached us Mary came out of hiding from behind me with a relieved expression. "Oh, it isn't the dark guy. It's all right then," She said. I wagged my head a little. Just what did Snape do to her to scare her so much? Then I remembered the guy's face and realized that, under the right conditions, I would have been scared witless by him as well. But back to the current situation…

The man stopped from a good five steps away from us and glared at me. Or at least I presume he glared at me. As I said, I couldn't really see his face that well. "I've got him." He said while touching his ear. "No, my narrative override still doesn't work, but I can deal with him." He seemed quite agitated.

"Hey, do you know this guy?" I asked the girl cautiously tugging on my sleeve.

"Nope. I don't even have a clue."

After he finished talking into his ear the man took a step closer while pulling on his leather gloves. "I am Colonel Troy Winfred, Canon Enforcement Bureau, Special Enforcement Division. We need to talk."

I peeked at Mary but she seemed to be just as confused as I was. Oh well, here goes nothing. "Good evening sir. I'm John Doe…"

"And I am Mary Celeste Sakura Thunderbird Freya Sue Smith." Butted in Mary.

"Would you stop shoving your name down people's throats? It's annoying." I said accompanied by a whack on the top of her head.

"Owowowowoooooooow! You did it again! You are even horribler that I thought! You are the horriblest!"

"… I am pretty sure that is not a word." I brushed her off and faced the man again. "Can I help you?"

Colonel Wilfred Troy seemed to be quite confused. I didn't blame him. Being confused is the mildest symptom of being around this natural disaster rubbing her head at my side. He collected himself pretty quickly though and extended his arm towards us, his stretched index finger pointing right at me.

"I don't know what kind of game you are playing or how you disabled my narrative override, but it all ends here! I am authorized to use lethal force if necessary, so…"

"Excuse me, but what are you talking about?" I interrupted.

"It means that I am going to take you in, whether you like it or not. Get ready." As per his words he took up a stance that one would expect from a fighting-game character. Ugh. This was going to be a pain in the neck, won't it?

"Hey-hey-hey!" I raised my hands in defense. "I really don't understand what's going on here, but…"

"I've got this!" Came the declaration from the one person I really, really didn't need to get herself involved.

"What are you doing?" I hissed through my teeth as Mary stepped forward and stood forth in a straddle, arms akimbo.

"Don't worry JD, I know exactly how to deal with a guy like this!"

The man didn't say a word but he seemed to change his stance according, dividing his focus on both Mary and me. She smirked, then pointed at the guy, took an extremely deep breath and shouted…

"Raaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaape!"

…

For a second I couldn't do anything besides blinking in complete and utter bewilderment; and I wasn't the only one, with the colonel also completely dropping his guard.

"What?!"

"Bad touch! Bad touch!" Mary kept yelling from the top of her lungs completely disregarding our confusion. "This suspicious stranger said he will take us by force! We need an adult! Bad touch! Bad touch!"

"No, I didn't mean…!"

"What seems to be the problem?" For a moment I was afraid that we just invited another weird character into our midst and at first glance I was almost sure that was the case. The large man appearing out of the woods almost dwarfed the good colonel in overall size, although there wasn't much of a different between their heights. The girth, on the other hand…

This man was big and his size was made even more intimidating by his huge, bushy beard and long curly hair. His eyes on the other hand seemed surprisingly gentle as he looked over us. In the end his gaze settled on Mary and he spoke with a voice almost too soft for a man of that size. "Did you call for help? Are you all right?"

"Yes sir!" She nodded enthusiastically. "Please help! This pervert tried to molest us!"

The giant man blinked at her uncomprehendingly "Excuse me?"

"She means she threatened and tried to attack us," I sprang to the rescue.

"Is that true?" Asked the man while glaring at the colonel. Now his eyes suddenly were fitting for a giant like that, and I was honestly happy his attention wasn't focused on me. The man in the trench coat on the other hand visibly gulped and took a step backwards. It seemed like he was conflicted for a moment but in the end he just cursed under his breath and glared at me.

"This is not over yet!" He hissed at me and immediately broke into a dash along the road.

"Stop right there!" Shouted the bearded man and rushed after the colonel, albeit his large legs seemed to be more efficient at getting in his way than propelling him forwards. In the meantime Mary whirled around and grinned at me with childish glee.

"You see, I told you I got it!"

"… Sure." I said while rubbing my temple.

"I was cool, wasn't I? I totally stood up against that guy and won!"

"… Sure."

"Do you know what this means? Now you owe me twice! Once for locking me up and now for me saving you!"

"… Sure, but…" I gestured towards her. "Would you come a little closer please?"

She immediately came over although somewhat suspiciously. "Why? What's the problem?" She asked innocently. I looked at her, deep in her eye, and then…

*whack*


	6. Chapter 6

_AN: Last week I had technical difficulties and couldn't update the story, so there will be two new chapters this week. I will post the second one in a few hours. More exposure that way. :P  
_

* * *

Six fourteen, world HRP007806. "Good, it seems like it's working," I said as I confirmed that my POV system was still operational. My narrative overdrive system on the other hand was as busted as it gets. I took the device off my ear and inspected it again. There didn't seem to be any external damage. Couldn't say anything about the internals though. Or do, if we are at that. Even if I had the tools to take it apart, I didn't have the expertise to actually fix it.

It was vexing. I felt naked without it, trapped in a narrative I had absolutely no control over. Damn, I had more control even when I was going toe-to-toe with class twos! This entire situation was driving me crazy.

I clicked my tongue in frustration and put the device back behind my ear. A moment later there was a soft buzz at the edge of my hearing, followed by a worried voice.

"Are you all right?" Came the question from Lieutenant McNamara's mouth from the other side of the communication line. I breathed in relief.

"Yeah, I just had a small setback. Managed to lose him in the woods though." If I sounded a bit surprised about that it was because I was. Hagrid lived in the forest, so it was strange I could get away from him on his home ground. I was not going to start complaining about it though.

"How's your equipment?" She asked. I could also hear a number of other people talking in the background. This incident probably caused quite a stir at the bureau.

"Same as before. Everything is in working order except for my local narrative override system," I told her in a neutral tone. "Did you ask the guys on the R&D floor about it?"

"Yes, actually…" Suddenly June's voice cut out and got replaced by another.

"Colonel?" Asked the slightly monotonous but feminine voice. "I am Chief Octavia Macintosh from the equipment maintenance department. How can I be of assistance?"

She sounded a little rigid but at the same time a little flaky, if that made any sense, but I really wasn't in a position to call her out on it. "Thank you for your time chief." I answered in business manner. "Did Lieutenant McNamara brief you on the situation?"

"Yes." She answered and then fell silent.

"… So? Can you help me?" I asked, getting a bit impatient.

"Of course. I actually have the troubleshooting checklist with me." I could actually hear paper rustling in the background. "Now then, number one: Did you try turning the device off and then on again?" She asked with a completely straight voice.

"Excuse me?" I asked, flabbergasted.

"Did you try to turn the device…"

"Of course I have!" I interrupted her.

"I see," She said and I could hear rustling again. "Number two: Did you try unplugging the device?"

"What the hell are you talking about!? There is nothing to unplug!" I snapped at her. "Could we actually get to the problem already?"

"Now now now," She chided me, "Colonel, you have to recognize that 95% of all device malfunctions are caused by errors on the user's side. As such it is imperative that we…"

"No it is not!" I snapped at her again. "Just tell me how to fix this damn thing!"

"Most certainly, but for that I would first need to know the source of the failure. Thus the troubleshooting. So, number three: Are you sure your batteries are in the device?"

"…" I groaned loud enough so that they could hear it as well and then took off my hat and hit my head against a nearby tree, then put the hat back on. We wouldn't want it to get dirty, now would we? After that I felt a bit calmer. "Yes, I am sure the battery is in and it's charged!"

"Are you sure?" She asked, apparently completely oblivious to just how infuriating her nonchalant attitude was.

"Yes, I am one hundred and one percent sure! The standby light is…" I was saying as I took the device into my hand again but then stopped mid-sentence. "… Hey, is the stand-by light supposed to blink like that?"

"What did you say?" Asked Chief Macintosh, sounding interested for the first time.

"I said the light under the power-button is blinking. Is that normal?"

"Oh my!" She said with something that almost approached glee. "Colonel, you are in the pooper indeed!"

"What?"

"You see, the light blinking means that your device is in boot mode after being suppressed by a continuity with higher level narrative priority." She said while rustling with some paper again. "How fascinating!"

"Wait, what do you mean by 'higher priority'?! Isn't that…"

"Your device is level Gamma, so it means this continuity's Intruder has at least Beta level clearance! Truly fascinating, I tell you!"

I gulped. "Are you serious?"

"Colonel! Are you implying I wasn't serious at any point in our conversation?" She pouted, though I was sure she was weirdly enjoying my predicament.

I fell silent. That was a mouthful to digest. I never heard of an UMS gaining narrative privileges greater than level Gamma, and even that is restricted to classes 2 and 1. It just sounded absurd. Our level Gamma clearance was already at the level where it could be used to create separate continuities at will, a so just how much could a Beta do then. For some reason I didn't want to imagine. "Are you entirely sure this isn't just a device error?" I asked in a last ditch effort.

"I'm afraid not," Said June as she took back the mike. "We just got a report from the Derivation Observation Division."

I sighed in desperation. "What does it say?" I asked.

"According to the report we have a deviation of 000030 compared to the Canon Word and 008760 compared to the previously approved derivation. The switch happened in a single spike t-minus one hundred and eight minutes ago, local time, and has been stable since then."

"Wait, are you saying me it actually got closer to the canon?" I asked as the realization slowly creeped upon me.

"Yes." The lieutenant's voice was unusually grim. "Sir, this is dangerous. Being so close to the Canon Word severely reduces the effectiveness of your equipment. I recommend you withdraw to base. Strike team one is already on the way and-"

"Not yet!" I objected. "My canon override tools still work. They might have higher narrative priority than me but they are still just _invader_ UMSs. I might not be able to do anything about the local characters without narrative priority but _they_ are still foreign elements. If I manage to use a canon override on them I should be able to end this entire charade before they have the chance to affect other continuities."

"Sir, that is too risky!" She protested and I could hear a few people voicing agreement with her in the background. "You don't know what they are capable of yet and without a narrative override your options are severely limited. Not to mention there is also the unknown third UMS you haven't encountered yet. There are just too many unknown variables!"

I sighed. Yes, she was right. I knew that. These UMSs could be very dangerous. However that was also the reason why I couldn't let them run loose a second longer than it could be helped. "All right," I said. "Send in the strike team ASAP, but I am holding the fort until then."

"Sir…!"

"I am already in the field, lieutenant!" I interrupted her protest before she could really get started. "It will take time for the strike team to arrive and I am damn well going to do everything in my power until they do! Colonel Winfred, out."

The other side of the line stayed silent for a few second. In the end the lieutenant just said, "Understood." in a gloomy voice and cut the connection. Oh man, she will chew my head off when I get back, won't she? Well, _if_ I get back…

I sighed. I could really use some optimism from my younger days; though I'm afraid I probably used up all of it already. I shrugged my shoulders and immediately straightened my posture afterwards. Right, I have no time for this. I needed a plan and I needed it quick.

I glanced over at the castle towering upon the landscape. If I had to guess I would have said I was about a kilometer away from the gates in bee-line. About one and a half times as far on foot. Damn that half-giant, chasing me all the way out here...

… No, I shouldn't be angry at him. He just did what he was considered right at the moment. Even the canon Hagrid would have chased after me after all the commotion. The one at fault was that UMS girl. I couldn't wait to get my hands on her and smack her over the head a few times. Seriously, crying rape of all things?! She seriously needs to be taught a lesson about actions and consequences.

I shook my head. No, thinking about this didn't help at all. I had to focus. First I needed to follow after the two UMSs. I considered my options. I still had my canon override tools and subduing equipment working. My duster also seemed to work just fine. I didn't just wear it because it looked really, really cool after all. It shielded me from worldline-specific effects, in this case providing me with limited defenses against spells, other metaphysical effects and any fictional creatures. Sadly I couldn't completely trust it, since it was still subject to narrative overrides, but it was better than nothing.

And here we had the crux of the problem: they had the narrative override. That meant that they had complete control. This reminded me of something. Didn't June say that this world only has a 000030 canon deviation? Could I somehow use that to my advantage?

Following the canon so closely might have made my canon enforcement tools mostly useless, but it also made things predictable. It might have made the UMSs harder to pin down logically but on the other hand it made it all the easier to track them down physically in the world.

That brought up another good point: I might not have had narrative priority but that didn't mean I was helpless. I have been in this wordline a few times already. In fact it was one of the most popular targets of UMSs in recent memory. What I am saying is that I knew my way around, including how to interact with certain people. That little brat might think simply manipulating a character into doing her bidding was clever. Now guess what, two can play that game!

Following this idea I made my way back to the road leading to Hogwarts. It seemed like there were still a number of students on the road. Good. I wasted a lot of time running around the forest so I was afraid I might lose this chance.

If my memory served me right, the students would be taking boats to the castle. That was a problem for me, as hiding amongst the children as a more than two meters tall adult would have been pretty hard, but it also bottlenecked the group as the boats could only carry so many passengers. I could only hope they would still be on this side.

I started moving but my legs froze in place after the first step and I hit my forehead. How stupid of me. The UMSs I usually had to deal with were always masquerading as first years, and I almost forgot that the other students were actually using the carriages! Damn, I almost wasted a lot of time on an obvious mistake like that…

I rubbed my temples and recollected myself. Yes, the carriages were supposed to be at the station. That's where I have to go.

I began to move once again and quickly reached my destination. I sneaked closer to the group of kids mingling around and surveyed the area. There were still a lot of them. I smiled. My chances were looking better and better.

And just then, I noticed them. Two identical teenagers with red manes idly talking by the wayside. Jackpot.

"Pssst!" I hissed to them still from the shadows. It took a few tries until they noticed. They seemed unsure but then they came over.

"What?" Asked the one on the right. They were twins, so I had no idea which one was which, so let's just call the one on the left Fred and the other George for simplicity's sake.

"Fred and George Weasley, right?" I said with a smile.

"Who's asking?" Replied Fred.

"One of the Marauders," I answered with a smile as confident as I could muster under the circumstances.

"What? Seriously?" Asked George incredulously.

"Can you prove it?" Said Fred.

"Yes, prove it with something only a Marauder would know." Added George.

I thought for a moment… How did it go again? I cleared my throat and said, "I solemnly swear that I am up to no good." The two of them looked at each other with mouths gaping and immediately began scuffing with each other to determine who would get to shake my hand first.

"It's an honor sir!"

"Yes, an honor!"

I stopped them from gushing before they drew any more attention and pulled them aside. "Listen boys, I need to ask you a favor."

"Yes sir."/"Anything sir."They answered in unison. Well, that was easier than I thought…

I cleared my throat again and told them in a low voice, "I need your help to get into Hogwarts undetected before the sorting is over." They seemed confused, so I added, "There are a few people in there in serious need of some pranking."

The two of them looked at each other and smiled. "We wouldn't have it any other way, sir!"


	7. Chapter 7

"Hey there guys! Where have you been?" Asked Harry as I managed to elbow my way beside him in the crowd. Mary and I just arrived at the candlelit great hall after some setbacks and barely managed to find him and company amongst the other first years piling up near the entrance. Hermione and Ron also turned towards us; the former with an annoyed scowl, the latter with a consolatory look, probably because of the living headache walking at my side.

"I tell you it is all wrong!" Mary whispered aggressively through her teeth. "McGonagall was supposed to be much younger and taller and wearing a laced corset with…"

"What is she talking about?" Asked Ron, pulling me aside.

"She is convinced that McGonagall is supposed to be a flirty, thirty-something year old MILF."

"What is a MILF?" Asked Hermione with a frown.

"Ouch," Grimaced Ron. "Did she hit her head or something?"

"No," I said with a groan. "In fact I am afraid I didn't hit her hard enough. Speaking of which…"

I turned around and promptly whacked the Mary on the top of her head before she could react.

"Auauauauauuuuuu! You hit me again! Why?! What is your problem? Do you enjoy hitting girls!? You are a monster! A chimeric beast! A olgoi-khorkhoi!"

"Why do you keep saying three insults at a time?" I rolled my eyes while keeping the rest of my face emotionless.

"What is an olgoi-khorkhoi?" Asked Harry with a brow raised.

"And if we are at that, what is a MILF?!" Chimed in Hermione, but we got interrupted by a woman in stereotypical witch's garbs before I could answer. She was on the short side, old but not too withered, and her face showed about 200% more weariness than when I first met her. I cannot blame her though. Meeting Mary has that kind of effect on people.

"Would you kindly stay silent, Miss…" McGonagall paused for a moment, no doubt pondering just which of her handful of surnames she should use. "… Smith?" She ended her sentence uncertainly.

"Yes ma'm. Sorry for the trouble," I sprung to the rescue with my most apologetic smile while clapping my hand over the girl's mouth. "I will try to keep her silent."

Professor McGonagall looked at me dubiously for a moment, but then her frown slowly melted as she sighed. "I would appreciate that, Mister Doe. You have caused enough of a stir already, I reckon."

"Yes ma'm, we are sorry ma'm."

She glanced at use with stern eyes and gave a small nod, then walked away towards the pulpit at the other end of the hall. Probably that's where the teachers were sitting, I deduced. Speaking of which, it appeared that only the first years were still standing, the rest of the students were sitting by huge wooden tables. The place also seemed to be lit only by candles, which didn't seem to correspond with the level of illumination in the room, but I remembered this was a stupid line of inquiry because wizards. It still felt like a bit of a cop-out though…

"Seriously, what is an olgoi-khorkhoi?!" Whispered Harry once the professor was out of earshot.

"It's a giant sea-monster guarding Ry'leth while Cthulhu sleeps." I said with as deadpan of a face as I could muster.

"No! It's a Mongolian death-worm that spits venom and craps thunder!" Hissed Mary in response the moment she peeled my hand off her mouth.

"You know," said Ron while rubbing his temple, "It's actually a little scary that I honestly can't tell which one of you is kidding…"

"Now, with that question behind us-" Spoke Hermione, but she quickly got drowned out by another question.

"By the way, what was the Professor talking about just now?" Asked Ron.

"Oh, that?" I sighed and dropped my head. "You see, that's a funny story…"

"Does it involve your friend?" Asked Harry innocently.

"Who?"

"What do you mean 'who'?!" Hissed Mary while kicking at my shin. "It's me, you idiot."

"Ouch," I declared with a monotonous voice and turned back to the others. "If you mean her, then yes, it was her fault."

"It wasn't my 'fault'! In fact I was the one who saved the day, and you repaid me with violence! You should be thrown into jail!"

I groaned again. "Sure, sure."

"What exactly happened?" Asked Ron while eating some sort of chocolate cake. Seriously, where the hell does he keep all those sweets? Anyways, I gave them the quick rundown of the events, starting from the blowing of the rape-whistle.

The large man, whose name I later learned was Hagrid, apparently couldn't catch up with Colonel Winfred, so he returned to question us about what happened. He apparently knew Harry, so mentioning his name immediately got me on his good side. I also had to commend him as the only person who managed to keep up a conversation with Mary longer than three sentences before giving up on her. The man is a living saint, I tell you.

But back on topic: He brought us to Deputy Headmistress McGonagall to report on the incident. Sadly the witch didn't fare half as well against the girl and after a few minutes of questioning she told Hagrid to drop us off by the great hall lest we be late for sorting.

"And that's how we got here," I concluded. "Any questions?"

"What is a MILF?" Came the question from Hermione with a scowl.

"Why are you so hung up on that?" Asked Ron accompanied by a strategic facepalm.

"Because he doesn't tell me and I want to know!" Came the vehement answer from the girl.

"I have a question…" Came the next voice from our right. Wait, who was on our right again?

I turned and found myself face-to-face with Neville who was nervously fidgeting by my side while raising a hand.

"Hello." Said Harry to the newcomer with a smile. Neville nodded back insecurely. The poor kid apparently wasn't very good with people, so I decided to help him out.

"He is Neville Longbottom." I introduced him. "You already know me and Ron. The angry girl over there is Hermione Granger and he is Harry Potter."

Neville's eyes went wide open. "You mean… -the- Harry Potter?" He didn't have much time to express any kind of wonderment as Mary immediately bore herself between us with a grin.

"Hi, I am…" Started the girl before I covered her mouth again.

"This humanoid creature here is Mary." I leaned closer to him and declared, "Just. Mary," with added emphasis. She scowled at me and kicked me in the shin again. "Ouch." I added. "So, what was your question again?"

"Oh yes…" Neville fidgeted for a moment and then meekly asked, "What does 'rape' mean?"

"…" For a moment I just stood there stumped, but then I remembered. Yeah, twelve… I keep forgetting to be careful about my vocabulary. I cleared my throat and told him, "I'm afraid that's something you don't need to know about yet my young friend." I had to say, my gentleman voice was pretty good on that line.

"Then what about MILF?" Interjected Hermione, stubborn as ever.

"The same. You are too young to understand." I told her.

"Very well!" She fumed as she crossed her arms. "Then I will find it out on my own!"

"Hehe." Ron Chuckled at my side as he gave me another light jab at the side. "Congratulations, you are officially a defiler of innocence."

"Very funny." I said ever deadpan, in no way annoyed or otherwise indisposed. No sir. Not one bit.

It was around this time that I noticed that the line in front of us was getting shorter and that there were occasional cheers every now and then coming from a different part of the hall. I looked over the shoulders of the people in front of us and noticed a familiar face. It was the kid from the first few weird moments… What was his name again? Something to do laws and ancient greece…

"Draco Malfoy!" Echoed the distinct voice of Professor McGonagall. The boy immediately moved forth to the stool sitting by in front of the teacher's table. He sat down and then the good professor placed a ragged-looking hat on his head. There was a few moments of silence and then…

"Slytherin!"

"Holy crap, did the hat just talk?" I exclaimed, much to Ron's delight.

"It's the Sorting Hat. I told you about it."

"Wait, you were serious?!"

He didn't answer but he seemed quite pleased with himself. In the meantime Draco stood up and skipped over to one of the tables, accompanied by the cheers of the kids over there.

"Ron Weasley!" Came the next name. Ron raised his head and then gave me a small smirk.

"Wish me luck." He said as he waded through the remaining unsorted to take his place on the stool.

"I wonder where he will be sorted…" Wondered Neville at my side.

I sighed. It took a surprisingly short time for me to get over the notion of there being a magical hat that casually reads the minds of people and sends them off into different school houses. It seems like hammering 'A wizard did it!' into my head every time I saw something weird finally paid off.

I turned over to Neville to continue the conversation he just started… except he wasn't there.

Correction: He was probably still there, I just couldn't see him because the lights went out.

Correction: The lights didn't really 'go out' by the traditional sense of the phrase; it's just that they suddenly turned into fluorescent blue frogs singing the Star Wars main theme in a capella.

No, I am not kidding. They really did that. And no, I have no idea how I knew that. It was a… surreal experience, to say the least…

Then, just as I was about to call out for my companions, I was grabbed by the back of my robe by someone and got dragged towards the gate of the great hall. I tried to resist, but it is unsurprisingly hard to quickly react to someone dragging you in the dark while wearing a stupid robe-thing…

On the other hand the darkness had at least one positive effect, namely that it also made my attacker blind as a bat. … Wait, that makes no sense. Bats aren't blind… So then he was blind as a… um… Let's go with mole. Yeah, blind as a mole. Much better.

Case in point, he managed to first almost fall over a bench he bumped into and then hurtled right into the closed gate with an audibly painful crash. It was about this time when a number of people started yelling 'lumos' around us, resulting in a number of new, bluish light-sources appearing in the great hall.

"Fuck." Came the surprisingly resigned exclamation from my attacker.

"Oh," I blinked as I recognized the man in the slowly rising lighting level. "Colonel Winfred, if I remember correctly?"

He glared at me from the ground. To elaborate on that: he was lying on his back in front of the gates with disheveled clothes, a bleeding nose and his hat on the head of one of the singing frogs sitting on a nearby table. I tilted my head to the side and had to seriously struggle on deciding whether I should feel sorry for him or laugh my ass off.

I had time for neither, as the man sprung to his feet the very next moment and grabbed me by my collar. In retrospect I should have probably dodged him but I guess my brain was a bit too preoccupied by the chain of events… especially the luminescent frog a capella part. I mean, seriously?

"You are coming with me!" He hissed at me accompanied by an icy cold glare. Since he didn't have the hat on anymore I could finally take a good look at him, and to my surprise he seemed surprisingly young. He had short, somewhat spiky hair, chiseled features and a chin you could cut wood with. I blinked at him and then patted him on the hand he was holding my collar.

"I'm afraid I cannot do that. I mean, I am a minor and I am pretty sure I am not supposed to follow strangers." I said with a small smile.

"You think you are funny, punk?!" He growled at me with bloodshot eyes.

I thought about it for a moment and then nodded. Just to annoy him. It was actually kind of amusing to see his reactions. I couldn't really observe him for long though, as we were suddenly parted by a surprising sight. The sight in question?

"Uwoooooooooo!" One twelve year old ponytailed girl flying towards us in a flying dragon kick while wearing robes. Did I mention that all of this was happening while blue fluorescent frogs were singing the Star Wars main theme in the background? Because it did. I just thought I remind you, just so that you can truly appreciate how insane my situation was. … Are you done appreciating? Thanks.

Now then, seeing that there was a prepubescent girl jumping towards us, the good colonel let go of me and we both took a step back, which resulted in Mary flying right past us and colliding with the door. Ouch.

She rolled back after the impact, landing right between us. "You are horribleeeee!" She cried for a moment, but then she recognized the colonel and suddenly pointed at him. "You! You are the rapist!"

"What?" That was the single word the man could squeeze out of his throat while Mary kept screaming 'rapist' over and over again from the ground.

I sighed. "What the hell happened with the relatively normal status quo we had just a few minutes ago?" I glanced around in exasperation, further reinforced by the fact that by now the a capella moved on to the Imperial March. "Would someone shut down the frogs already?! This is getting ridiculously anachronistic…"

I could barely see it, but for a moment I could have sworn the colonel's eyes lighted up. "So you admit that this is not canonical?" He asked with a positively evil grin.

"I don't know what you mean by 'canonical' per se…" I answered cautiously, "… but I don't think there is any situation where frogs signing the Star Wars theme is normal." I stopped for a moment. I keep saying Star Wars this and that, but for the love of god I couldn't remember what that actually meant. Stupid narratively convenient amnesia…

"I've got you!" He suddenly shouted just as Professor McGonagall and the other teachers were about to part the swarm of confused first years and reach us. He pulled back his fist and it suddenly flared up with something that could be best described as staring into a tiny blue sun.

"Don't let him punch you!" Screamed Mary, still lying on the floor.

Now, one could argue that that was the greatest advice ever given, but then again, one could argue that the Earth is in the middle of the universe yet it wouldn't mean they weren't completely WRONG. That said, the coated man suddenly lashed out towards me while shouting "By the authority of the Canon Enforcement Bureau, I deny your reality!"

I instinctively raised my arms to protect myself, but to my sincerest surprise his fist passed right through them. Then through my head. Even more surprisingly said 'passing through' didn't seem to misplace my grey matter over the confused first years behind me. Not that I was complaining, mind you. I like having my brain inside my cranium, thank you very much.

My sight, on the other hand, was filled to the brim with the bright blue light to the point I couldn't see anything else. This lasted for about two seconds, accompanied by the sound of rattling glass, but then my vision abruptly returned to the sight of Colonel Winfred flying though the air from some kind of invisible recoil and then crashing right into the gate. Again. I should write a note about gates apparently being magnets for self-induced harm in this world once I get the chance…

I blinked a few times as I waited for my eyesight to return to normal. Everything seemed to be blurred and cracked for some reason, though the cracks were steadily disappearing. Then something caught my interest. Where Professor McGonagall was standing just a moment ago now stood a lady in her early thirties with abundant hips and chest in a skimpy outfit, right next to a handsome young man dressed in black shirt and jeans and... Wait, was that supposed to be Professor Snape?! That cannot be right…

"Look! Look! I told you so!" Chirped Mary at my side while tugging at my sleeve. "Who is delusional now, huh?! HUH?!"

I stared at her for a moment, wondering whether I should hit her now or later, but I decided to preserve my strength for the moment and glanced back at the teachers instead. I also noticed Dumbledore, or at least the man I suspected could be him, though he didn't have a beard and was dressed in a white pimp suit. Just behind him I could also see Harry and Hermoine getting ready to make out. I quickly averted my gaze. No, we are not going to go there again!

I took a deep breath and regained my composure. "First things first…" I whispered as I patted myself. Good, my body seemed to be unaffected by whatever the hell just happened to everyone else. My eyes felt a little sore, probably from the light before, but otherwise I was okay. As for my other sensory organs: my ears were still filled with echoes of the previous cracking sound, my nostrils were still filled with the stench of candle wax, my skin felt pleasantly cool while my mouth was full with the taste of rafflesia leaves. That last one was slightly peculiar, but then I remembered that it was because of the piece of candy Ron gave me on the train.

Speaking of Ron, there was suddenly a very loud declaration overcoming the noise of the room coming from the other end of the hall.

"S-Slytherin!" The hat declared with apparent terror.

"Muhahahahahaaaaaa!" Came a stereotypically evil laugh from the same direction. "Of course I go there you stupid hat! That is where I, Rondemort belong! Muhahahahahaaaa!"

"Shut up Ron!" Shouted practically the entire student body at once. Huh. That was painfully familiar…

A moment after this the row of first years theatrically parted, allowing us to gaze upon a sight I had about as hard of a time accepting as the jeans-wearing Snape from before.

"Wha… What's going on…?" Asked the colonel as he slowly rose to his knees, then he suddenly froze in mid-motion as he noticed what we were looking at. "That… That's wrong!" He exclaimed with an ashen face

Ron… No, scratch that… 'Rondemort' was standing by the stool with the Sorting hat still on his head and cackling maniacally… I said 'Rondemort' simply because I was quite sure Ron Weasley's skin wasn't tinted green, he didn't have burning red eyes, a '666' tattooed on his forehead, vampire teeth or really, really spiky hair.

"Muhahahahaaaaaa!" He started cackling again in a high-pitched voice. "I am back! Hail me! Now fetch me a kitten, I am hungry!" He screamed at the Slytherin table. And they did just that. What the hell…?

This was one of those moments where I couldn't decide whether I should facepalm myself to oblivion over the stupid, get freaked out over the crazy or just laugh at it all as a coping mechanism. Then I once again noticed the pallid colonel by the gate and decided on option number four. I walked over to him, disregarding the hyper girl at my side squeeing about how she finally got back her narrative, and dropped to one knee by his side so that we were on the same eye-level.

He stared me dubiously, a look that grew even more suspicious as I extended a hand towards him. I waited for a moment, just to unnerve him. He kept gazing at me in confusion for nearly three seconds before he tried to speak up, at which point I immediately cut him off by flashing the biggest grin I could muster accompanied by a thumbs up.

"Nice job breaking it, hero!" I exclaimed with as much saccharine-filled enthusiasm as I could.

"Wha…?"

In the very same moment I raised the hand with the thumb high and struck him over the top of his head as much strength as my body could exert, resulting in an incredibly, incredibly satisfying thump followed by a muffled scream of pain.

Ahhhh… It was a good idea to save up my strength back there after all…


	8. Chapter 8

_AN: Damn, I forgot to update again, didn't I? *sigh* My current lifestyle is really not suited for keeping any kind of consistent schedule after all..._  
_I will also post a second chapter later today to make up for forgetting last week._

* * *

"This is all wrong!" Came the thundering declaration from colonel Winfred, though its dramatic value was somewhat lessened by the fact that he was still cradling his head while sending subtly suspicious glances at my general direction every now and then.

I rolled my eyes. "Gee, you don't say!" I exclaimed with fake surprise, "And for a moment I thought Ron Weasley being a death eater and consuming a parfait made of kittens is totally normal! What a shock!" I stopped for a second and had to stop myself from facewalling, as facepalming was decidedly not enough at this point. "Who the hell even comes up with something like that?!" I added at the end in frustration.

Then I actually remembered and promptly turned to my side with a frown. The girl standing over there immediately bolted and hid herself behind the long-coated man, who in turn was understandably confused by the turn of events.

"What are you doing?" I asked in exasperation.

"Hiding." She said with the smile of a saint.

"Behind the guy you repeatedly declared to be a rapist?"

"At least he is not addicted to hitting people over the head like a certain someone!" She snapped at me but then she immediately shrunk back behind the back of the man.

"…" I wordlessly buried my face in my hand and took a deep breath to calm myself. It didn't work. "Well, he very well **should** hit you!" I yelled as I pointed at Rondemort singing a merry song about wanton slaughter while dancing the polka alongside with the Slytherin house. "I mean, what the bloody hell is **THAT**!?"

She glanced over at the rowdy table and gave me a look like I just asked something really, really stupid. "The villain? Duh?"

"But why is Ron the villain!?" I asked while trying to circle around the confounded colonel.

"Because I don't like him."

"Why?!" I exclaimed as I was about to pounce at her, but then she pulled the colonel so he would be between us again. By this point he was flabbergasted. Or was that stupefied? It's hard to tell the difference.

"Because he was boring and he got in the way of Harrymione?" Mary answered once again with a face saying I asked something really obvious.

"And just what in the nine layers of hell is a 'Harrymione'?!" I asked while circling the colonel from the other direction. For the record, by this time he was decidedly stupefied and about twenty percent exasperated.

"It's Harry/Hermione, you silly oaf!" She said while rolling her eyes. "They are obviously meant for each other and Ron is in the way! He is also boring. I mean, he is called 'Ron', for god's sake! Only 'John' is more boring that that!" She said while sticking out her tongue in defiance.

"Haha, very funny," I said while inching towards her. "And what does that have to do with him eating kittens?"

She once again glanced over to the Slytherin table, where the a capella frogs apparently also joined in on Rondemort's song, and cocked her head to the side. "Now that you mention it, I have no idea…" She seemed to be pondering for a moment but then flashed me a cheerful smile completely unbefitting the situation. "Oh well. He is the villain, he can do that. I don't like cats anyway."

This seemed like another perfect opportunity to engage in some tactical facepalming, however I was interrupted by a loud groan coming from the good colonel standing between the two of us.

"Is she always like that?" He asked in a tired voice.

"Yeah, pretty much." I nodded. Finally, a kindred soul who understands my predicament! Maybe he wasn't such a bad guy after all…?

He sighed, glanced at the girl hiding behind him and peeking out at the side, and then suddenly he karate-chopped her over the top of the head. "Hey!" I yelled at him by reflex. Whacking her over the head is my thing!

"Auauauauauuuuuuu!" Mary yelled as she fell on her butt while cradling her head. A moment later she, surprisingly, started glaring at me instead of colonel Winfred. "Do you see what you have done?!"

"What?" I asked with shock pure as a mountain spring.

"You started a head-hitting epidemic, you monster! You fiend! You patient zero!" She proceeded with her tantrum while stomping the ground like she was trying to fight a cockroach invasion.

For a second or two I tried to understand what the hell she was talking about…

"What…?"

… But in the end I could only meekly repeat myself in face of the wall of utter what-the-hell advancing my way.

"You started an epidemic! A pandemic!" She yelled at me with tears in the corners of her eyes. I sighed. How can a person be so incredibly annoying an unintentionally cutesy at the same time…? She continued, "It's like a zombie epidemic, except worse! At least zombies just eat your brain in one go and it's over, but you instead destroy my brain-cells one by one! That's like six and a half time worse! You are monsters! You should be tried at Hague!"

"…" I decided not to indulge her any further by reacting to her and instead I turned to the colonel. "Okay, that aside, what is your deal?"

"Hey! Don't just ignore me!" Mary yelled. Or at least I presumed that was what she yelled, but I was ignoting her so I couldn't be sure.

"I…" Colonel Winfred was visibly conflicted for a moment. "I have already told you. I am Colonel Troy Winfred, Canon Enforcement Bureau, Special Enforcement Division," He said with a stern face.

"Yes, but I have no clue about what that means!" I told him.

"I…"He once again faltered for a moment but then apparently decided to follow through. "We enforce canonicity in fictional universes."

"Like this one?" I inquired.

"Yes." He nodded.

"Well, great job sir!" I declared with fake enthusiasm while pointing at the Slytherin table. Some of them apparently took note of us but I didn't attribute much importance to the fact at the moment.

"It is not my fault!" He bellowed at me. "It's yours!"

"What now?" I asked back with one brow raised.

"It's because of you! You totally threw this world out of balance!" He shouted while glaring at me.

"…" I once again pointed at the Slytherin table, which somehow became much less rowdy in the past few seconds, and sent a dubious look at the colonel's way. "So **THAT** is what you call putting things in order? Because if not then you really, really suck at this! Actually, scratch that. Even if that **IS** what you think order looks like, you still suck big time!"

"Don't you yap at me you little…!" The colonel was about to flash-boil but then he restrained himself and instead just glared at me. "I have been doing this for years! I have been to countless words, I have faced hundreds of UMSs like you, and I tell you that YOU are the problem!"

"Yeah, sure whatever." I shrugged my shoulders.

"That's enough!" He growled as he took a step towards me. "You are coming with me!" He said as he procured a boxy device from his duster.

"Where exactly?" I asked dubiously as he began tinkering with the device.

"To Iunctio." He answered matter-of-factly.

"And what is a Iunctio?" I asked back while trying to get a sneak peek at what he was doing.

"The crossroad where all fictional universes are connected," He answered absentmindedly as he took off some kind of safety lock from the gadget. "There you will be-"

"You say there are multiple words!?" Came an unexpected voice from our side so over the top I could practically hear the crunching sound of the scenery being chewed between the words. We both glanced at the source, a green-skinned, red eyed boy with very spiky hair. I hope I don't have to pinpoint who that was, now do I? "That is marvelous!" He rejoiced with a girlish squee.

"What?" I blurted out in unison with Winfred at the unexpected third person entering into our conversation.

"It's wonderful!" Rondemort yelled from the top of his lungs. "All this time I thought this was the only world to conquer but you now my eyes have been finally opened! There are countless words, you say? Like words where people actually know how to cook kittens? Incredible!"

We glanced at each other with the colonel. In retrospect it was quite careless of us not to notice the signs of Rondemort eavesdropping on us, but what's done was done. Rondemort suddenly threw his arms over the baffled colonel's shoulders from behind, a feat that was accomplished by levitating himself over him for some reason, and began excitedly poking at the device.

"So, what's this thingie? Is this some kind of magical whatchamacallit? Can it really take me to different words? Can I try it out? I promise I won't eat your spleen if you let me try it out! Pretty please?"

"…" The colonel didn't answer but slowly pulled the device out of Rondemort's reach, who in turn grabbed hold of the box with his eyes flashing bright red. "Let go!" The colonel exclaimed.

"No, give it to me!" He yelled back. "I want to see other worlds! I want to go to other places! This one sucks monkey-balls!"

"What is this I don't even…" I groaned as I tried to make heads and tails of the situation. "Where the hell are the adults, anyway…?"

That was a silly question in retrospect. I mean, this was Mary's narrative. They were, 'naturally', too busy making out with each other in the background. Except for professor Snape. He appeared to be writing poetry in the corner behind Dumbledore and McGonagall were feeling each other up. Ugh.

That reminded me of another thing through: Where were all the students? As far as I could remember the entire student body was still present before the colonel 'punched' me, but now all I could see were Slytherin students. It was easy to tell them apart from the normal students, as they were all wearing stereotypical emo/goth/vampire/insert fad here attires under their robes. In fact I couldn't even really find any student who weren't wearing such clothes… Wait, doesn't that mean that all the students just became Slytherin?

I decided to stop making sense of the Slytherin issue. By the time my eyes returned to the colonel and Rondemort their struggle already came to an abrupt end which included the device flying right out of the colonel's hand and both of them felling over. The doodad graciously sailed through the air for a long second and then landed right in front of me. I instinctively bent over and took hold of it. It was a bad idea.

Suddenly the attention of the entire hall was focused on me. Or rather the wall of Slytherin students encircling us. As I mentioned before, the two practically meant the same at this point anyway. While I was looking around Rondemort frantically rose to his feet and in the meantime the colonel was pinned down by a pile of students. The resident villain quickly straightened his disheveled robes and focused his attention onto me with a smirk.

"Give me the thingie!" He hissed with a menacing glare. Well, I suppose it was intended to be one, but taken how he ridiculous he looked it was actually disturbingly funny.

"This thingie?" I asked as I shook the device in my hand.

"Yes, that thingie!" He answered while shaking his fist like some sort of cartoon villain. Really, the entire situation was getting more comical than threatening by the second.

"And what are you going to do with this thingie?" I stalled the conversation if only so that I finally had a moment to actually think things through.

"I will use that thingie to travel to different worlds and spread my eeeeeeevil!" He yelled.

"Why? One world is not enough?"

Rondemort grimaced with disgust. "Have you seen this place?!" He asked while theatrically spreading his arms. "What is the point being the villain in a world where the heroes are more occupied with making out than fighting you?! It's rubbish, I tell you!" He stomped angrily, and then suddenly he leaned closer and added in a whisper, "… and just between the two of us, the kittens around here taste **_horrible…"_**

"I see… " I sad while trying my hardest to keep myself from facepalming. My efforts were soon helped by a new voice entering the fray.

"How dare you!" Yelled Mary as she was held in place by two stereotypical school bullies. For some reason I automatically pictured them in the company of that Draco kid, but I had no idea why. Anyways, Mary stomped her feet and yelled out, "Are you blind?! This world is not boring!" For once I had to agree with the girl, though for all the wrong reasons.

"Oh shut up!" Barked back Rondemort without even really looking her way and instead he gestured towards me again. "Just give me the damned thingie already!"

"Stop saying 'thingie'!" Came the muffled voice of the colonel from under the pile of children.

" Hutsay Hetay Uckfay Puay!" Yelled one of the Slytherin students and as he cast a silencing spell on him. Huh… So apparently pig-latin works after all. Why am I not surprised at this point…?

"Ah, I know what you are going for!" Exclaimed Rondemort with a strange sparkle in his red eyes. "I almost forgot how you heroic types work! Let's start this from the beginning, shall we?" He said with a strangely lopsided smile before he cleared his throat and did s short tonal exercise. Ugh. If this guy was an indicator, the scenery was probably really, really tasty… "Give me the thingie or the man dies!" He finally yelled out in a flamboyant fashion while pointing his wand at the colonel.

"Erm…" For a second I could only blink at the guy in confusion. "You cannot kill him." I told him matter-of-factly.

"And why would that be!?" He grimaced at me. Seriously, it was pretty hard to take the guy seriously to begin with, but when he was making faces like that I almost felt sorry for him…

"Because he is under three layers of students," I told him. "You can't even see him. In fact I think the previous spell didn't hit him either, so I have no reason to give you the thingie."

"I told you to stop calling it a thingie!" Came another muffled yell from the bottom of the pile.

"See, I told you." I said to Rondemort with a small smile. For a moment he fumed in vain but then he suddenly turned his wand on Mary.

"Then I will kill your friend if you don't give the thingie to me!" He bellowed. "How do you like that, smartass?!"

Okay, by this point even I was getting annoyed by the word 'thingie'… But more importantly, I found myself in a classic case of catch 22. Do I let the girl die or do I save her and allow her to keep annoying me in the future…? Such a hard choice…

…

Okay, no, not really. Joking aside, this really wasn't a question at all. "Fine, fine! I give it to you, just shut up already!" I said as I extended my hand with the device in it. I mean, she was annoying and all but I would never want her to die per se, especially not over something like this…

Rondemort slowly inched towards me, apparently expecting a trap or something. Once he made sure I wasn't up to anything he finally reached out and grabbed the device. In that very moment, I could have sworn I saw something like a tiny puff of black smoke escaping from his sleeve, so I immediately pulled back my hand like I was touching fire. For a few seconds everything went blurry and my ears kept popping like I was in a submarine, but otherwise nothing dramatic happened. Thankfully, if I might add.

In the meantime Rondemort grabbed the device with both hands and began grinning like a well fed cat who just got himself a new toy.

"Yes! With this I can…!" He exclaimed, only to be immediately interrupted by the main gate of the Great Hall being kicked off its hinges, the wings flying off and away in a low arc and knocking out one of the Slytherin bullies holding Mary. Wait, does that count towards the 'people getting hit by the door' quota?

Not that I had much time to ponder the issue as a small group of men dressed in armored duster similar to colonel Winfred's, except with sealed helmets, stormed in.

"Freeze! This is a Special Enforcement Division raid! Nobody moves!" Shouted the man at the front through some sort of built in loudspeaker… from about half a meter from my head.

"What the hell, man! Do you want to give me hearing damage?!" I yelled back at him, apparently taking him aback for a moment. In the following seconds a number of things happened simultaneously, so let me try to put them in order. First the adults stopped making out. Then they continued. Go figure.

At the same time the ring of students surrounding us were thrown into chaos and began dispersing. A moment later the colonel broke free of the pile of students pinning him to the ground and unsteadily rose to his feet. Then, after a second of slip, Rondemort raised his wand towards the weird men in the doorway being distracted by me.

"Adava Kedavra!" He bellowed and a green bolt of light rushed through the room with a sickening sound, hitting the middle one of the three armored men right in the chest. The bolt burst into green flames on impact, but surprisingly enough the man didn't seem to be affected at all. In fact it had just enough of an impact to make him take his eyes off me.

"We are protected against world-specific metaphysics." Said the man with a surprisingly cocky attitude while pulling back his fist. It was smoldering with the same blue light the colonel hit me with, except it seemed much less focused.

"You mean spells?" Asked Rondemort with a peculiar expression.

"Yes. Don't move or I will be forced to-" He only got this far before his words got cut short by another yell from Rondemort.

"Mobiliarbus!" He exclaimed.

"Wha-?" Said the armored man on the left moments prior one of the large wooden wings of the previously destroyed gate hit them right in the face with a thunderous crash. I promptly facepalmed. I mean, I was only joking about that door being the most dangerous thing around here! **Come on**!

"Dumbasses!" Said Rondemort in a sneering voice and he began giving orders to the Slytherin students still at his side. I had a feeling this was going to turn ugly real soon so I decided it was in my best interest to get out of the crossfire ASAP. At least that was the plan until I noticed another person in said crossfire.

"Oh for the love of…" I groaned as I broke into a dash without thinking, dodging the stools, tables and dinnerware that were being thrown at the doorway where the three armed men were apparently nonplussed by the previous grievous harm committed via door and were trying to make their way towards the cackling Rondemort toying with the colonel's device in the far side of the hall. Oh, yeah, and the teacher's were still making out. You know, just in case you were curious…

That said I managed to dart through the maelstrom of dining equipment and reached the unconscious girl lying on the floor. I leaned closer to her face and listened. She was still breathing. Good.

Apparently Mary was also knocked out cold alongside with the bullies, but thankfully she didn't seem injured. Maybe it was just the shock. Seriously though, all she can do is causing me trouble even when she is unconscious… By the way, speaking of trouble…

"Stop right there! You are under arrest!"

I would have once again buried my face in my palms if I wasn't too busy trying to lift Mary off the ground. The good colonel apparently also made his way over to my side in the tempest of levitating items usually associated with dining rooms and not hailstorms and he was pointing at me with his index finger like back at the roadside.

"Listen, I am a little busy over here!" I barked at him. In answer he… fell over after getting hit on the head by a flying stool… "Oh come on! You cannot be serious!" I exclaimed. Now I had two unconscious bodies on my hands in the middle of a crossfire. Great. Just great. This day just keeps getting better and better, doesn't it?


	9. Chapter 9

"So, where was I? Oh, yes. Crossfire. How could I forget?" I sighed. Even sarcasm didn't help anymore.

The battle still raged on, though I am hesitant whether I should really call it a "battle" per se, as it was… well, weird. On the far side of the Great Hall of Hogwarts stood Rondemort in all his green-skinned, spiky-haired, vampire-toothed glory. On the other end of the hall, by the entrance, stood three men in armored long-coats and sealed metal helmets, a weird picture in this place, trying to get closer to him.

In-between these two were two other things of high importance: a small army of Slytherin students slinging stools and tables and benches and everything else that wasn't nailed down at the armored men to keep them at bay, with surprising efficiency if I might add, while the other being yours truly surrounded by two unconscious bodies. So, now that we are up to speed… Oh, wait, sorry. I forgot to mention that the teachers were **STILL** making out in the background instead of doing anything useful. You know, FYI… and no, I am not letting it go!

Now then, there was one important question unanswered: How the hell do I get out of this mess? I mean, I am sure there is at least one person out there who has a morbid fascination with flying furniture trying to crush them, but that's definitely not me. The answer was deceptively simple as well: get the hell out of the line of fire and problem solved. In theory, at least.

There was only one teensy tiny little itty bitty problem though: the aforementioned two unconscious bodies at my feet. I could probably move Mary with relative ease, but the colonel was about twice my size. Not to mention, where should I even go?

I couldn't leave the hall, as the only entrance was just in the middle of being bombarded by the very wooden fixtures I was trying to avoid. Not to mention, the armored men didn't seem particularly friendly either…

Thankfully said dilemma was solved by some highly improbably luck as a squad of Slythherin spell slingers successfully managed to toss the teachers' table, which was about as unnecessarily huge as it was heavy. It flew on a low trajectory, so low in fact that I had to throw myself onto the ground to avoid it, but then one of the armored guys punched it in half. Yes, I did say 'punched.' Don't ask me how or why, I really didn't care at the moment.

What I did care about was one of the broken halves of the door rebounding from the impact, hitting the wall on my left and handily landing there not so far from us, providing the best cover one could ask for. Well, at least in these circumstances, I suppose. "Yay narrative convenience!" I exclaimed as I once again grabbed Mary and began dragging her.

I took her behind the broken table, which was still big enough for a small army to hide behind, and sat her up against the wall before I peeked out again. It seemed like the armored men were making progress, but at the same time the hail of furniture only increased in intensity and the unconscious body of the colonel was still in the middle of all that. I sighed. Yeah, I was going to do this. Yeah, I knew it was stupid. And yeah, it annoyed me as well, but what else could I do? Leave him there? That is practically the recipe of some 'roaring rampage of revenge' kind of stuff that would bite me in the ass later, and I personally preferred my ass un-perforated, thank you very much.

I took a deep breath to steel myself and a moment later I once again dashed out into the maelstrom. The distance might have seemed deceptively short, but it was actually a bit longer in practice thanks to the fact that I had to do a lot of dodgy/jumpy/ducky stuff on the way. One of the benches actually almost scraped off a layer of skin from my nose just as I ducked beside the man, but that was the worst of it. He was lying on his face, his nose still bleeding, so I turned him to the side and listened. He was breathing all right, though that didn't mean he was really okay. I mean, he lost consciousness when he got hit on the head, right? That only happens when one gets a serious concussion and that is never a good thing. I mean, brain damage, hemorrhage, stars flying around the head… nasty stuff.

I shook my head. Right, the cover. I will have all the time in the word to wonder about worst case scenarios once I am out of the firing line. I grabbed the colonel's left arm and pulled it over my shoulder. I couldn't quite raise him up, but in the end I still managed to drag him away, albeit at a snail's pace. Thankfully my trek just happened to coincide with a momentary decrease of the air's furniture content, so after about two minutes of nerve-wrecking toil I managed to get him behind the broken table, safe and sound.

I sat down and wiped my forehead, drenched in sweat after the ordeal. We weren't really safe yet, but at least we were out of sight for the moment. I can call that progress, right?

Now, on to the next issue of importance! Namely: deciding **what**the next 'issue of importance' is. I mean, what was I supposed to do at this point? We were reasonably safe and hidden from sight but otherwise I had no idea what was going on. Oh, wait. Silly me. That sounds like a good first issue of importance: finding out what the hell is going on!

I moved over to the edge of the broken table and carefully peeked out at the chaos of the Great Hall. "Okay, let's see what we have…" I mumbled as I surveyed the participants.

First off, there was Rondemort and co. I groaned. I was only starting out and my head already started hurting again from this whole 'Rondemort' business… But back on topic: They were still chucking furniture accompanied by a number of other spells. I suppose those guys didn't get the memo about the magic-resistant coats or something… They also seemed to be having fun for some weird reason, though I wasn't too surprised about that. On the other hand that could also mean that all the crazy stuff in the past few minutes killed the surprise centers in my brain.

But back to the situation: As for the other group… I had no idea. They wore long coats similar to the colonel but they were also wearing some sort of body-armor underneath, with sealed helmets that had faintly glowing red visors. The only way they could look any more out of place if they were… "…" No, I better not make any off-the-wall remarks. At this rate they will come true just for shits and giggles…

I took a deep breath to regain my composure and decided to observe them a bit further. They appeared to be very agile and inhumanly strong, as if that wasn't made abundantly clear by the half-table we are hiding behind. On the other hand though, they seemed downright… well, clumsy, for the lack of better words. It was like they were out of their elements, like if two karate experts were trying to have a match on the moon and… wait… no, that would be actually pretty neat. I forcefully shook my head. I am getting sidetracked a lot, don't I?

It was around this time that one of the students ran up to Rondemort with a huff. "My lord!" He yelled. "We are running out of furniture to throw!"

"Don't bother me!" Answered Rondemort with a disapproving glare, though since it was Rondemort you can freely interchange 'disapproving glare' with 'pout'. "I am trying to figure out how this thingie works! I think I almost got it!"

"But My Lord!" The student pressed on, "At this rate they will reach us!"

Rondemort groaned and rolled his eyes… well, at least I presume he rolled his eyes, he was quite far away and all… Anyways, he began yelling at the teachers in the corner… What's that? You are wondering what the teachers were doing in the corner? Gee wiz, want to guess?

"Hey, Dumbledore! Make yourself useful, will you?!" He yelled while wildly gesturing towards the old man in the pimp-suit, and oh my god, that just reminded me that this narrative's Dumbledore wears a pimp-suit… Argh!

"What?" Shouted the wizard back after a second or two.

"I said do something about the clowns in the door you old Pomeranian breeder or I will make a ukulele from your kidneys!" Yelled Rondemort again while shaking his fist. Wait, how do you make a ukulele from one's…? Ugh, I better not even try to figure out the logistics of that…

"Oh well…" Grumbled Dumbledore as he stepped out of the wriggling mass of teachers in the corner and straightened his suit. "I have just the spell for-"

"Objection!" Bellowed out a voice enhanced by loudspeaker. I glanced at its source which was, unsurprisingly, one of the three armored men. He was pointing at Dumbledore with his index finger. He in turn seemed to freeze in place mid-step. Now that I think about it, the colonel had a thing for pointing at people all the time as well, didn't he? Huh. So apparently this is a _thing_. Good to know, I guess.

Anyways, the helmeted man continued. "Albus Dumbledore would never follow your orders!" He declared. For a moment there was a weirdly familiar clang of breaking glass echoic in the hall, then Dumbledore finished his step and froze again, this time in shock.

"Right… Why am I doing this?" He asked, utterly confused.

He wasn't the only one. What exactly just happened there? "…" I took a deep breath and shook my head. Right, recall what the colonel said. He was here to enforce canonicity, whatever that meant. It only stands to reason that these men are with him, taken the similar coats and mannerism. I have already seen the colonel muck up the narrative once; there was nothing to be surprised about here. "Right." I nodded to myself, but then I remembered something.

After a moment of consideration I decided to investigate my hunch. I pulled back from the edge of the table, so I could only hear that Rondemort was now coercing Snape into action, who in turn seemed reluctant because he was just getting into writing his poems or something. I didn't pay it much attention; instead I moved to the side of the still unconscious colonel and removed his gloves. I inspected them thoroughly but they didn't seem to be anything more than plain leather even though I could remember his first glowing blue before he tried to hit me. I folded them up and placed them beside him.

I patted him down and found a number of other items on his belt. One of them seemed like some sort of ball-gag that was directly tied to some handcuffs by a lithe yet surprisingly sturdy chain. The guy apparently had some weird kinks. There were a few other devices on him as well, similar to the black box snatched away by Rondemort. I couldn't make heads or tails of them so I just placed them beside him as well.

Finally I noticed the last two items on him that actually seemed interesting. One of them was a relatively bulky piece of equipment, similar to an old hearing aid device tucked behind his ear except it didn't have anything connecting it to the actual ear canal. In his other ear though I found some sort of earplug. Now that I think about it, wasn't he talking to himself when we first met at the roadside while holding his ear? Could this be a communicator?

"Here goes nothing…" I whispered as I carefully extracted the gadget from his ear and raised it up to mine. It was a sleek little thing but it was obviously designed for an adult male and not for a child, so I couldn't insert it into my ear properly.

After a little tweaking I managed to twist it into a relatively comfortable position. In the meantime the 'battle' in the hall apparently grew in intensity, so I presumed Rondemort got Snape moving after all. I finally docked it into my ear-bowl and pressed the button on it.

"Hello?" I asked. It felt a little weird to talk into thin air like that but I have seen too many weird things today to care. For a few seconds there was only static, but then a young female voice finally answered my call.

"Colonel! Is that you?" She asked with in a worried tone. I could also hear excited whispers from the background.

"Um… Sorry, but no," I answered as calmly as I could. "He is unconscious at the moment."

For a few seconds there was a tense silence on the line. "Is he all right?" Came the strained question at the end.

"I suppose…" I said as I glanced over him. "He got clobbered by a flying stool in the head but he is breathing all right." I paused for a moment. "By the way, who am I talking to?"

"I'm Lieutenant June McNamara." Came the answer after a few moments of hesitation.

"John Doe, nice to meet you… Or rather, nice to hear you," I answered with my gentleman-voice.

"What is going on over there?" She asked, obviously trying to hide her agitation. I glanced out of my cover, only to catch a glimpse of one of the armored men performing a drop-kick on a giant snake and… Wait, since when was there a giant snake in this room? Damn, I only take my eyes off the place for a second…

I suppressed a groan and answered, "Well, I was actually hoping that you could tell me that…" There was no answer on the other side, so I continued after a few seconds of pause. "I mean, you are with the colonel and the others, right?"

"Yes, but…" She seemed to be hesitating again and then whispered, "The strike team reports to a different division so we have no idea what's happening over there."

"Is that normal?" I asked.

"Yes, sadly," She answered gruffly. "Could you please tell us what's going on?"

"I'm… not sure I can," I said. "I mean, I could_ tell it_, but it's a pretty weird story and I'm not sure I can sum it up in a way it would make sense."

"Please?" She asked again.

Ugh, women and their magic words... "Okay, here's the quick rundown: we entered the Great Hall of the Nevadan Hogwarts when suddenly the candles turned into a capella-singing frogs, then the colonel punched me, which made everyone make out with each other, turned Ron Weasley into Rondemort and then he took some kind of device from the colonel and then these three guys of yours showed up and got hit by a door and ever since then people are just throwing benches and punching tables left and right." I inhaled deeply, and then absentmindedly added, "Oh, and there are apparently also giant snakes too, because why not?"

The other side once again fell silent. "What?" She asked at the end with a strained voice.

"My point exactly," I stated in exasperation.

She fell silent again and then suddenly yelled at me. "Wait, you said the colonel punched you?! Are you the UMS?!"

"Ouch-ouch! Hey! Do you people enjoy shouting into people's ears?! That's the second time today! I will really get hearing loss at this rate!" I yelled back.

"S-Sorry…" She shrunk back for a moment but then flared up again. "Wait, don't change the subject! Are you the UMS?"

"First off, what is an UMS?" I asked back.

"Unauthorized Mary Sue."

"Wait, there is such a thing as an authorized one?" I asked back by reflex, but then I also had to add, "… and by the way, what exactly is a Mary Sue?"

"What are you…?! You know already! You just asked about them!" She yelled at me again.

"Ouch! Tone back the volume, will you?" I hissed as I massaged m y temple. "I have a severe case of plot-convenient amnesia, so I sometimes know things I don't actually know. Like just now. I have no idea what 'plot-convenient amnesia' actually means. Do you know how annoying that is?!"

"Oh… I'm sorry to hear that. It must be hard on you." She reacted in a surprisingly concerned voice.

"It is," I told her. For a few moments there was rustling in the background along with a number of muffled voices, but then the lieutenant spoke up again.

"Listen, where exactly are you right now?" She asked in a hurry.

"Behind a broken table by the corner of the hall," I answered by reflex. "Why?"

"We just managed to get through the contact of the strike team by asking one of the janitors at the B-block to pass a memo to one of the secretaries on accounting and then she... Well, it's complicated, but I asked them to tell them about you."

"Wow," I exhaled with surprise. "You have a weird way to get things done over there."

She let out a surprisingly exhausted sigh and said, "Bureaucracy," with utter resignation.

"I'm sorry to hear that. It must be hard on you," I told her with a surprisingly concerned voice.

"It is," She answered in exasperation. We all have our crosses to bear I suppose…


	10. Chapter 10

It was about ten seconds after the lieutenant cut the line in order to try to ask the janitor another favor when the ground suddenly quaked under my feet. I glanced out of my cover, only to immediately pull my head back in order to avoid being kicked in the face by the armored man vaulting over the table. He landed with surprising grace and settled into a half-kneeling position, his gaze locked at me. Or, well, I presumed his gaze was locked at me, but it was impossible to tell with the helmet and all.

After a moment of awkward silence I slowly raised my hand and gave a small wave. "Hi," I said.

"… Hi, I suppose." The armored man slowly tilted his head to the side and returned my greeting in an extremely awkward fashion.

"Whoa! Stop!" I yelled at him as he tried to move closer me, which immediately put him on guard. In this case that meant he pointed his finger at me. Seriously, apparently finger-pointing is really a **_thing_** around these parts…

For a moment we quietly stared at each other, right until I slowly raised my hand and pointed at his feet where he was just about to kneel into the unconscious colonel's gut. He followed my finger and immediately sprung back.

"Oh! Sorry. These darned things have zero peripheral vision…" He grumped as he removed the helmet, only to reveal that he was actually a she… Wait, that wasn't dramatic enough, was it…? Ugh, sorry, I really don't know how else to say it. It happened too… casually. "I'm Major Oslona Kaspersky," She stated in a surprisingly soft voice as she ruffed up her short brown hair. She appeared to be in her early twenties with a very feminine face, piercing blue eyes and a bubble-cut, although the latter could only be considered helmet-hair at this point in time. She was overall quite attractive, even as disheveled as she was at the moment.

"John Doe, at your service," I said with a small nod. She looked me over somewhat suspiciously.

"Command says you can tell me what is going on here. Is that right?" She asked in a laconic voice.

"Well, I can…" I said hesitantly.

"Good. Give me the full story," She said and then glanced at the two unconscious bodies at our side. "Including the story behind these two."

"That will take a while. Are you sure you have the time?"

Suddenly the major broke into a self-derisive chuckle. "Ha! Listen boy," She said, and for a moment I had to wonder who she was talking to. Then I remembered that I was twelve. Yeah. Stupid amnesia. She continued, "Neither our narrative override nor our canon enforcement tools work. At this point all we can do is stall until CENB command comes up with something, so until that happens I'm all ears."

"… Okay, but don't say I didn't warn you," I nodded and began to tell her the abridged story starting from when I woke up. She seemed to take most things in stride, attentively nodding every now and then, though even she had a hard time swallowing the a capella frogs. Whose stupid idea was that, anyways? Still, I finished painting the general picture faster than I expected.

"I see…" She clicked her tongue. "So that's why we cannot use canon enforcement to deny his reality. This is not his narrative."

"No, I don't think so."

"But that means that we should have been able to still use our canon enforcement tools on him," She pondered. "Something is still amiss."

"Maybe it's the thingie…" I bit off the end of the sentence and cleared my throat. "I mean, the colonel's device."

"Right…"She said as she looked over the gadgets I took off them man, but in the end she shook her head. "That's strange. All the standard tools are here…"

I pondered for a moment then raised my hand. "Wait, let me ask," I told her as I turned the communicator in my ear back on. "Lieutenant?"

"Yes?" Came the expectant answer from the other end of the line. "Is everything all right."

"Yes. In fact, thank you for sending over the major," I sad with a small smile and whispered, "You have no idea how great it is to finally have a reasonable person around, especially after our last such character turned into a green-skinned comedic sociopath."

"You are… welcome?" She said sheepishly, but I pressed on before she could ask anything.

"Listen, we have a question here. Did colonel Winfred have any non-standard equipment on him?"

"Non-standard equipment?" She parroted back uncertainly.

"I was mostly thinking along the lines of a small, black, rectangular thingie. Does that ring any bells?" I provided the helpful description.

"Actually, I think he picked up an emergency Jumper before the mission, but I'm not sure." Came the uncertain answer.

"A jumper?" I raised a brow. "No, I am pretty sure he is actually wearing a shirt," I told her.

"Did you say Jumper?" Asked the major.

"Yes, why?"

"Why what?" Chimed in the lieutenant on the line.

"Sorry, I was answering the major, not you," I turned back to the major. "Why do I feel like this 'jumper' is not the kind of jumper I think it is?" I said with a frown. Why people keep giving such generic names to macguffins was beyond me… Don't they know how confusing things can get because of things like that?

"It is a device used in to extract an agent in case of an emergency," She answered with a difficult expression.

"So, theoretically, if Rondemort could get that thing to work, it would take him to your base?"

She shook her head. "No, it doesn't have the computing power to pick a specific world or worldline. It just transfers the user to an available world for later evac," She said with her brows ever furrowing.

"Then why did the colonel try to use it on me?"

"I… don't know," She answered hesitantly. "Maybe he had a plan of some sorts. We should ask him once he wakes up."

"Right…" I nodded wryly "And why is this thing not a part of the standard equipment again…?" I inquired.

"Because it's unreliable and almost never needed," She answered calmly.

I rubbed my temple and let out a sigh. "So it is a thing that transfers people to random worlds and the colonel just happened to have it on him and tried to use it in front of the local villain for some reason?" I glanced up at her sourly. "Does that mean it's a literal 'plot-device'?"

The major rolled her eyes without changing her expression the slightest, a feat of utter wryness I have been trying to achieve all this time. She's good. "Ha. Ha. Very amusing," She said deadpanly. … Is deadpanly a word? No? Well, it should be, because she was most definitely saying that deadpanly.

"Thank you, I'm trying." I answered with a fake smile.

"Laaaaaaame," Came the third voice of- … Wait, third voice?

I glanced at my side, and just as expected, Mary was merrily sitting by my side with her legs crossed; acting like her being there was the most natural thing in the world. "Good morning princess," I quipped.

"Thanks," She answered without the slightest hint of sarcasm. "What's going on? Who is that?" She started chirping, as hyper as ever.

"I'm Major Oslona Kaspersky, from CENB Special Operations Command," The major answered without breaking a sweat.

"Oh, I see…" Mary nodded to herself knowingly and then leaned closer to me. "Hey JD… Did you understand a word of that?" She whispered into my ear. As it happened, it was the ear with the plug, so…

"Who was that?" Asked Lieutenant McNamara from the other side of the communications line.

"It's a…" I gulped hard, "… friend… of mine." I told the lieutenant after some struggle.

"She is?" Asked Mary while pointing at the major, still facing at us with a neutral expression.

"No, I am talking to the lieutenant over the communicator." I told her.

"What communicator?"

"The one in my ear," I pointed.

"Wow! Where did you get that?"

"From the colonel."

"And who is on the other side?"

I took a deep breath. "You know what? Let's go one by one, okay?" I said as I pointed to the major kneeling by our side. "Mary, as you have heard, this is Major Kaspersky. She is from the same place as the colonel."

"Oh, I see. Nice to meet you, I'm-" She was no doubt about to inflict her name upon the world again when I cut her off.

"She is Mary. Just Mary," I told her with hard emphasis on the word 'just'.

"Nice to meet you. Please call me Oslona."

"Ooooooh!" Mary's eyes were sparkling as she gazed at the major. "Oslona, you say?" She suddenly stopped daydreaming and turned to me with a victorious look. "See, JD? Now THAT is a name! You are thoroughly beaten once again."

"JD?" The major raised a brow.

"She has a weird obsession with names. Just ignore her," I told her while waving my hand.

"Okay," She said. Well, at least I can't fault her for being slow on the uptake. I turned back to Mary and tapped the device in my ear. "The one I'm talking to on the communications line is Lieutenant June McNamara, who is…" I paused for a moment and turned the line on again. "Say, lieutenant? What is your relationship with colonel Winfred again?"

For a few seconds I could hear some clatter coming from the other side. A moment or two later the lieutenant returned with another auditory assault. "W-W-What does that have to do with the situation! It's none of your business!" She yelled at me. Thankfully by this time I was wise enough to temporarily pull out of the earplug. "I mean… it's not like we are… You know…"

I groaned. Again. I do that a lot, don't I? Well, blame the people around me! I mean, no wonder this canon whatever bureau messes up things like that if this is the level of professionalism I can expect from them… "I meant your relationship in your organization," I added in exasperation between two of her outbursts.

"Oh…" I swear, that simple word sounded so awkward I could practically picture the exact shade of beet red her face must have been, which is no mean feat considering I have never seen the woman in person. "I am his mission control," She said at last in a mousy voice.

"Thank you," I said and turned back to the ball of hyperactivity attentively inspecting my face at the side. "She is the mission control," I repeated to her.

"I see…" Mary pondered with dangerously sparkly eyes. "Wow JD! I never thought you had it in you!"

"I had what?"

"Look! I leave you alone for a few minutes and you already make moves on two girls!" She laughed and gave me a thumb up. "I approve!"

I buried my face in my left palm and shook my head. "I am not making moves on anyone!" I declared. "How did you even come to a conclusion like that?!"

"You didn't?" She glared at me in shock. "And for a moment I almost had a better opinion on you! Approval retracted!" She said accompanied by a thumb down.

"Is she always like that?" Asked the major, collected as ever.

"Sadly yes," I sighed. "Sorry if she is bothering you."

"No, I don't mind." She said, straight-faced as ever.

"Really?" I clicked my tongue. "Major, you must be either an angel or a Buddha."

"Thank you, I think," She said with surprisingly timid smile, but her visage turned stern again just as fast. "Now that the introductions are over, we should get back to the previous topic."

"You mean the mess we are in?" I asked. She nodded. "I think I told you everything I knew. What now?"

She seemed to be in thought for a moment and began talking. "Normally our first priority would be the capture of all UMSs in the world, but taken the circumstances I believe we better focus on recovering the Jumper device from this Rondemort character."

"Sounds like the exact same thing you have been doing all this time," Said Mary at my side.

"Yes," Added the major gravely. "Normally this would only take a few moments using narrative overrides, but we can't do that now."

"Why?" I asked. Major Kaspersky seemed to be torn for a moment and then pointed at me.

"Because apparently you have it at the moment."

"I have what?"

"Narrative priority," She told me dryly.

"Hey, that's not right!" Chimed in Mary. "This is my story."

"Not anymore, it is not," Rebuked the major.

"But look! It's totally my story!" She said while pointing at the teacher corner. "Look!"

"Why do you sound so proud of that mess…?" I groaned.

"Narrative backlash," Said the major like it was completely obvious.

"Could we stop with the weird terminology? It hurts my head..." I said, and I wasn't kidding. My head was really about to split in two. "Could we instead focus on the actual problem again?"

"Yes, right," Nodded the major. "So, could you use your narrative priority to override the narrative and let us get to device?"

"Ugh… I just asked you not to do that…"

"Can you do that or not?" She asked me again with an honest yet somehow bone-chilling gaze.

"Sorry, I can't," I hung my head. "I don't even really know what you are talking about."

She kept looking me in the eye for a few more seconds and then let out a tired sigh. "Very well. We will do it the old-fashioned way then," She declared as she grabbed her helmet. "Please look after the colonel and don't go anywhere," She told us and put her helmet back on.

By the time I was about to answer she already sprung to her feet and vaulted over our cover. She ran over the other two men, skillfully dodging the spells and other assorted projectiles flung her way, and upon arrival she casually punched a giant snake in the face that was about to strange one of the other men… Wait, what?

"Woaaaaa! Did you see that!?" Mary squeed at my side while grabbing my arm. "That was awesome!"

I dropped my shoulders and nodded with a small grimace, "It sure was…"

"She is totally awesome! She has a better name than you, she has a kickass uniform and she punches snakes! Face it, you are totally beaten in every regard," She told me with an impish smile, but with the lack of reaction she just started watching the major again with a sigh. "If she was a guy, I would totally fall for her! How about you?"

"…" I sustained my refusal to react to her and instead focused my attention to the Major and her men.

"What took you so long!?" Exclaimed the man who was just about to be compressed via serpentine means.

"Gathering information," She answered as nonplussed as ever. "Here's the rundown: the boy in the middle is this world's villain… or something. The narrative is apparently in a state of shock after an unsuccessful rejection, but he is certainly not the UMS we were looking for."

"He is not?" Asked the other man between dodging a bench and some spell. "Are you sure?"

"Positive. However he has a Jumper he stole from colonel Winfred."

"What?" Came the question from the third man who just made his way over to the other two. "Why did the colonel have a jumper on the first place?!"

"…" The major paused for a moment and then frankly said, "It was a plot-device."

"Hahahahahah!"

This particular manic laughter came right from my side where Mary was holding her side cackling

"What the…? I said the exact same thing before!" I protested. "You called it lame!"

For a moment the girl looked at me with a wondering expression between two chuckles and then she simply shrugged her shoulders and said, "She told it better."


	11. Chapter 11

_AN: Well, this is it folks. The end of the first arc. There will be one "bonus" chapter coming next week, a sort of small breather episode before the next arc starts, and that's it. It was reasonably fun, the rest of the chapters will be published on my dedicated blogger site. Thanks for your attention and, if you enjoyed it and don't mind, please spread the word a little. Thanks in advance._

* * *

"What's… going on…?"

I turned around in response to the familiar voice. Colonel Winfred, though pale as a ghost, was already sitting and was staring daggers at me. Mary either didn't notice him yet or rather didn't care as she was totally absorbed into cheering for major Kaspersky and co.

I moved over to the colonel and held up my hand. "How many fingers can you see?" I asked.

"What?"

"Fingers. How many?" I asked him again.

"Two," He grumbled as he squinted but a moment later he was glaring at me again. "What are you…?"

"You got hit over the head pretty hard, so I think you should lie back down," I told him as matter-of-factly as possible.

"Wha…?" For a moment he tried to resist but he was so disoriented that even I could push him back onto the ground.

"Good, now stay there," I told him and returned to Mary's side. "How are things going over there?"

"It's the awesomest!" She squeed.

"That is not a word," I hissed as I rubbed my temple in frustration. "I was asking about whether the major made any progress?"

"I don't know. I was too distracted by the awesomesauce! She used a snake as a whip to reach one of the guys throwing stuff! A snake! As a whip! How cool is THAT?!"

I blinked at her very, very slowly, but it apparently didn't get my message through so I raised my hand instead.

"No violence!" She suddenly declared with her hands crossed over her head.

I sighed and lowered my hand, focusing my attention on the other side of our cover instead. Mary kept meekly blinking at me from under her bangs like he was seeing a ghost. "Wow! It actually worked!" She exclaimed with an implausibly huge smile, which was also strangely irritating for some reason, but I decided not to be bothered by it.

As for the 'battlefield' in front of us, nothing much has changed. While the major and company redoubled their efforts to get to Rondemort they were still repeatedly repelled by the ring of spell slingers surrounding the boy. Speaking of which, just when did they get him a giant throne made out of black spikes to sit on while cackling maniacally? No, wait, scratch that. The better question is; why is he actually sitting on a throne made of spikes?! That must be really, really uncomfortable…

"Where is my equipment…?" The colonel suddenly inquired.

"At your side," I told him without even looking his way. "Oh, and by the way…" I was about to turn around and hand him back his communicator that was still in my ear when I was suddenly thrown to the ground with my arm twisted behind my back.

"You are under arrest!" The colonel hissed over me with a menacing glare.

For a good five seconds I could only gape in shock. I mean, really? I somehow managed to twist my head around just enough to be able to see him and send him the most severe glare I could muster under the circumstances. "Don't you think this is not the best time to-"

"RAAAAAAAPE!"

"What?!" The colonel blurted with a blank expression as he abruptly twisted his head towards the screaming girl at our side. I would have done the same if not for the fact that I had better things to do. For example, this momentary distraction was just enough for me to slide out of his grasp, leaving the hem of my robe in his hand. I writhed around the colonel's arms pinning me down, completely slipping out of my robe in the process, and the moment I broke free I immediately delivered a frantic kick to the kneeling colonel's nether regions.

"Son… of…" The curse got caught in the man's throat as he slowly fell to the side, with eyes bulging out and clutching his royal jewels in agony. I quickly put some distance between the two of us. It took me a moment to collect myself, at which point my eyes accidentally met with Mary's.

"What the hell!?" I yelled. "Is this going to be a **thing** from now on!? Why the hell did you cry rape of all things?!"

"I was just surprised, okay!?" She yelled back with a face red as a lobster. "It was the first thing that came to mind!"

"Yes, and that's the problem!" I shouted back. We both fell silent for a few seconds, during which I took several deep breaths to calm myself.

"You little…" Groaned the colonel on the ground. I glared at him in response.

"Wait for your turn. I will get to you eventually…" I snarled at him and faced Mary again with a slightly calmer expression. I raised my hand, at which she immediately twitched, and swiftly placed in on her head before she could raise her hands.

"Huh?" She glanced up at me with confused eyes; an expression that slowly gave way to pure bliss as I lightly ruffled her hair. Seriously, I said she was like a dumb puppy before but for a moment there I really thought she would suddenly sprout a tail and start waggling it.

"Thanks nevertheless," I told her while still patting her. "Just make sure next time you think of something else to shout, okay?"

She meekly nodded in response, apparently still in a daze after the events. I took my hand off her head and made a mental note saying; 'The carrot seems to work better than the stick. Look into it later.' After that I turned to the colonel, still wriggling on the ground. He must have been still weak after the hit to the head because I was pretty sure I didn't kick him **that** hard…

I placed the communicator back into my ear and pressed turned it on. A moment later the lieutenant now-familiar voice greeted me. "Yes?"

"Lieutenant McNamara," I replied loud enough to make sure the colonel could hear me, and his eyes really went wide open just as expected. "Listen, I have some good news and some bad news." I could practically hear her tensing up on the other side. "First off, your colonel is finally awake. On the other hand, the first thing he did after waking up was to nearly dislocate my arm. Could you scold him for me? I don't really have the time."

"I… suppose I can." She answered uncertainly.

"Great. He is all yours," I smiled as I took the device out from my ear-bowl and immediately jammed it into the colonel's. He tried to put up some token resistance, but by the time he could say anything the deed was already done and I returned back to the half-table to observe the events. Or at least that was the plan until I realized that Mary was still staring at me with a gaze that was equal part caution, confusion and pancakes… Wait, no. There were no pancakes. Why did I even think that? It doesn't even make a lick of sense… Wait, where was I again? Ah, yes, the girl.

"So, any progress?" I asked her with a small smile, trying to diffuse the weird tension.

"Progress?" She asked back obliviously.

"The major?"

"Oh, that…?" She mechanically turned around and peeked out of cover for a moment. "No change," She said in a strangely gloomy voice.

"Okay…" I replied uncertainly. She was acting a little weird, but I decided I would not pry into it for the time being. As such I too peered over the table as well.

"Escudar!" Shouted the major over to one of the men at her side. "I told you to keep that troll busy!"

"Wait, what troll?" I raised a brow, and sure, I actually did find one troll at the other side of the hall. I mean, it was pretty big so I don't even know how I missed it on the first place. Then I had to stop once more to raise a brow. I mean, where the hell did that troll come from?! And how did it get in the hall anyways?

Not that I had much time to be confused, as the major and the other man, who I guess was the one called Escurad, though it was pretty hard to tell them apart in the identical getup… Anyways, they rushed the giant creature, each of them knocking down one if its legs. The troll wobbled for a moment and then fell backwards, landing squarely on Snape who just happened to be there or something. Because of reasons, I suppose. Honestly, the entire thing was so chaotic I had a hard time just following it, let alone make sense of it.

There was one thing I was quite certain though. "You were right, they are pretty good," I told Mary at my side.

"I told you, didn't I?" She grinned at me… from about ten centimeters.

"Um… What are you doing?" I asked her, taken that she was standing by me so closely our shoulders were actually touching.

"What?" She tilted her head with an innocent expression.

"Why are you so close?" I asked again, with a little more precision this time. For a moment she seemed to be wondering, like I just asked a difficult mathematical question or something, then she beamed me again.

"No reason," She chirped with the innocence of an angel.

"…" I rolled my eyes but I didn't get the opportunity to answer, since by the time I was about to open my mouth the colonel shuffled up to my other side and glared at me.

"Listen…" He spoke with what I thought was his civil voice. "It appears you have saved my skin. As such, and because it appears we have bigger problems to deal with, I propose a temporary truce," He said as he extended his hand towards me. "Peace?"

"… You know, this would be a lot more convincing if you weren't glaring at me…" I told him with a frown. The man clicked his tongue in response.

"Just take my hand, will you? We don't have all day…" He glowered and stuck out his hand again. In response my frown only deepened even further.

"You know, after the last stunt you pulled you can't really fault me for preferring not to get into your arm's reach…" I told him with a bit of thinly veiled scorn.

The man let out a deep groan and shook his head and then started talking in a surprisingly sincere voice. "Okay, I'm sorry. I was too eager and I should have listened to the whole story before trying to arrest you." He paused for moment and then bluntly added, "Here, are you happy now?"

"Oh… The lieutenant really did scold you, didn't she…?" I inquired with a smile.

The man's eyes flipped wide open for a second but a moment later he was back to scowling. "I don't see how that's your business in any shape or form…"

"Yeah, sure, whatever," I said with a small shrug and finally shook his hand. "Peace."

"Good," The colonel nodded and his face finally gave way for a… slightly more relaxed scowl… Does that make sense? No? I suppose you had to be there…

Anyways, he finally took his eyes off me, which did wonders for my anxiety levels, and instead he focused on the scuffle in the hall. For a few long seconds he quietly looked over the participants, one at a time, then finally his gaze returned to us.

"We have to do something," He told us in a dry voice.

"Why?" I asked as I cocked my head to the side.

"Why what?"

"Why do we have to do something? Major Kaspersky seems to have things under control," I told him.

"Yeah, and she is awesome!" Chimed in Mary over my shoulder… Seriously girl, what the hell happened with your concept of 'personal space'?! Anyways, the colonel shook his head.

"You don't understand," He said in a grave voice. "The Jumper is an emergency device. It is designed to be easy to operate even in the worst conditions. It's a small miracle this…" He paused for a second, quite understandably, and then continued in a strained voice, "… 'Rondemort' of yours haven't figured out how to use it yet!"

In the meantime, in the background, Rondemort abruptly yelled out, "Someone bring me a pillow! Preferably one that is made of fluffy kittens! This chair hurts my buttocks!"

I sighed. God bless the rule of comedic convenience… I casually pointed at him and frankly told the colonel, "It's no miracle, he is just kind of dumb."

The man buried his face in his palm for a moment then turned back to me with renewed determination. "It doesn't matter! Even if he comes upon it by chance and he gets away…" He paused.

"Trouble?" I asked. He nodded. "For you?" I added.

"No, for everyone," He whispered dramatically, framed by… wait, was that a lightning flash from outside? How clichéd…

Speaking of which, I quickly patted myself down and successfully retrieved my notebook. Since this seemed like the last quiet moment we were going to have for a while, I decided to quickly scribble down all the previous narrative rules I have discovered.

"What are you doing?" Hissed the colonel at my side.

"Just making note of a few things," I told him. Now, then, where was I? Dramatic lightning, narrative priority, canonicity, etc. etc. "Geez, things became fairly complicated, haven't they?" I asked no one in particular.

"Tell me about it!" Mary chirped at my side. "This morning I was just about to have my very first narrative to have fun with, and look how things turned out! My Snape even got crushed under a troll! That's so wrong it's not even funny!"

"I feel your pain," I said off-hand and turned back to the colonel while I finished up my notes. "Okay, just for the record; what do you think we should do again?"

The man fell silent for a moment and glared at Rondemort, now sitting on his kitten-padded spiky throne, which was by the way a lot less menacing at this point, for obvious reasons. Anyways, he turned back to me and said, "We are out of sight at the moment. They are focusing all their attention on the strike team, so if we act quickly and rush them in their blind spot we could easily get behind their lines and hit 'him' directly."

"Good plan," I said while giving him a thumb up and then tilted my head to the side. "By the way, why are you talking in royal plural?"

The colonel appeared to be stumped for a moment. "I am not."

"Then I suppose you are somehow mistaken, since I am pretty sure 'we' are not going to rush them." I told him with a frown.

"What?" The man snapped at me. "What the hell are you talking about!?"

"Listen my man," I spoke with an exasperated tone. "Give me one good reason why you need us, two twelve year old kids to go with you?"

I could practically see the veins on the man's forehead for a moment, but he somehow managed to keep a semblance of his cool. "Listen. I am going because it's my job. You are coming because you have the narrative priority, and she is coming because…" He suddenly paused and then added, "Actually, she doesn't have to come. She is useless."

"Hey! That was totally uncalled for!" Protested Mary with a scowl. In the meantime I let out a small groan.

"There we go with the narrative priority again… Why are you guys so hung up about it?"

"What do you mean…?" The colonel silently cursed under his breath and glared at me again. "It's the whole reason behind this mess! In fact it is the thing you UMSs are all about!"

"So…?"

The man dropped his shoulder and just said, "It's a like a 'get out jail free' card that works in any situation, and this is a situation when we especially need it!"

"Oh, now you are finally speaking my language," I told him with an insincere smile. "But-"

In this exact moment I was suddenly interrupted by a bout of maniacal cackling as Rondemort triumphantly raised the device over his head.

"I finally got it! Muhahahahahahaaa! It was the big red button all along!" He exclaimed with glee.

"Time's up!" The colonel suddenly exclaimed and… he kicked the table away, instantly eliminating our cover!

"What the hell are you doing?!" I screamed at him but by then he already broke into a dash towards Rondemort.

"Do or die!" He yelled back while dodging under the projectiles of the more attentive students. I let out an incomprehensible mishmash of curses under my breath and dashed after him as well.

"Hey!" Yelled Mary behind me as I unconsciously grabbed hold of her hand and began dragging her.

"Don't lag behind!" I shouted back and we rushed after the colonel. The first ten or so meters were pretty chancy taken that we had no cover whatsoever, but then the strike team apparently also redoubled their efforts, drawing the attention of the defenders to them once again.

Upon reaching the row of the student the colonel finally sprung into action, delivering a flying lariat to the biggest of the guys he could find. With that we suddenly had a hole in the line just wide enough for us to slip through, and slipping we did.

"Fools! You cannot stop me now!" Bellowed Rondemort from the top of his lungs as he kept repeatedly pressing the aforementioned red button on the device. "I can hear the sound of delicious kitten-dishes calling me, and nothing can keep me from them!"

Right then, just as we reached him, the air beside his throne began sizzling and slowly formed into a vaguely elliptical hole in reality with a strange cacophony of dizzying colors dancing inside its borders. In a way it was quite breath-taking. In other ways it was just headache-inducing.

Rondemort rushed towards the gate, but he was just a sliver too slow. The colonel dived at him with his entire weight, knocking the boy off his feet and throwing the Jumper device out of his hand. "You are not going anywhere!" He shouted while wresting with the designated villain who was desperately grasping for his magic wand.

"No! You won't stop me! Aaaaargh….!" Suddenly Rondemort began convulsing, and then… a sort of black mist rose from his body and formed into a head made of smoke. A head… without nose but with spiky hair and vampire teeth and 666 still tattooed on his forehead… Because why not, I suppose.

"Is that normal?" Asked Mary at my side as we finally caught up with the colonel.

"I don't think so…" I said while looking at the strange spectacle.

"I told you! You cannot stop me, suckers!" Said the mist-Rondemort-head, which was a pretty nifty achievement taken that it, by definition, had no vocal chords. Or lungs, if we are at that.

"Do something!" Yelled the colonel, still entangled with the now limp body of Rondemort, but by the time I even had the time to move a finger the mist-head swooped down and grabbed the Jumper device with its teeth and then plunged into the gate with a victorious cackle.

"… That was weird…" Said Mary, still uncomfortably close to my side.

"Tell me about it…" I answered in exhaustion.

"What are you doing!?" The colonel yelled as he finally rose to his feet. "After him!"

"… Why?" I said while tilting my head to the side.

"Don't you start getting obstinate with me again you little…!" He yelled then paused for a moment and started again, this time a little more collected. "We have no idea where he went, so we need you to follow after him."

"Why?" I asked again, still unable to make the connection.

For a few seconds the colonel glared at me like a bull at the red cloth and then he spoke up with a low voice. "I will explain later. Now you either jump into the goddamn gate before it closes or I will throw your stubborn ass through myself!"

"…" Okay, now that was finally an argument. I mean, it wasn't really an argument, but at least it was **something**… Anyways, I briefly weighted my options and then dropped my shoulders in resignation.

"Fine, fine." I said as I walked up to the portal, which was steadily losing its cohesion by the second. "I really hope you will have a proper explanation for this." The colonel didn't answer. He simply rushed to my side and gestured towards the gate.

Right then I remembered the person left out of this conversation, so I briefly turned around and gave a small wave to the girl standing a few paces behind us, seemingly in a daze. "So long, I suppose," I told her with a small smile. "Stay safe and plea-"

… I got exactly that far when the colonel, true to this word, suddenly grabbed me by my collar and roughly tossed me into gate. I passed through its slowly dissolving boundary and I suddenly found myself speeding down a tunnel made of light. It was quite breathtaking really, except that I really couldn't pay much attention to it, as I was way, way too preoccupied by a single thought: "When I grow up, I swear to god, I **will** punch that bastard's face in so hard he will wake up in a different continuity altogether!"


End file.
